After I had about a year of sobriety, a friend of mine in the program asked me for a favor: Would I go with him to the local internet customer service center to be sure he would follow through with his decision to have his internet service disconnected?

I was happy to be of help, and I was very proud of him. He had had much trouble with his computer and porn sites, as did some others in our SA group; and he was doing the right thing.

Little did I know that some months later, I would “accidentally” discover how to access porn advertisements on my internet, being too cheap to pay for the real thing. I wasted so many long hours into the night and continually lost my sobriety. I finally asked him to go with me to do the same thing. With the help of meetings and my sponsor, I was able to get back into a healthy recovery process.

To this day, years later, people ask me for my e-mail address. I tell them I don’t have the internet or an e-mail address. They are shocked that I am so out of touch with the modern world: “You mean you really don’t have the internet?!” I tell them, “I was wasting far too much time on the computer.” That answer satisfies people most of the time.

I returned to healthy sobriety, according to SA standards, for several years. One night when “I was hungry, angry, lonely, and tired,” I found how to access porn videos on my cell phone. For free! I was as thrilled as a teenager in love with masturbation for the first time!

I went as far down as I could go, acting out to my favorite videos day and night. I began to replay my acting out with the computer of years before. I knew what my sponsor would say. So I prepared my addict’s response before I called “for help.”

Sure enough, my sponsor was as gentle and firm as always, accepting me as I found myself adrift in porn again. He said, “It’s time for you to get a new cell phone that does not include internet access.” He listened to my prepared reasons why I could not possibly give up my cell phone: Too much hassle with all my phone numbers, poor customer service, etc.

He then shared his special phrase for times when he too was tempted to go back to phone porn: “When the urge comes, any time you pick up your phone, or feel the urge to return to the videos, try saying, ‘There’s nothing in this for me.’” He admitted that he needs access to the internet for his business. So we have both discovered, with time, that this mantra works, along with the accompanying daily phone calls with him and the constant surrender of my weakness to the hands of our Higher Power.

So far, so good and sober, some months into using the mantra and the White Book and my sponsor. Almost every time we talk, my sponsor reminds me about how cunning and baffling is our addiction to lust. We are walking the sober road together in trust.