What does it mean to be free of lust? 

Esty: For me to be free of lust means many things: being present, living life on life’s terms, not objectifying myself or those around me, seeing the humanity in people, being other-centered and unselfish, feeling compassion for others, accomplishing things, not wasting time, and being sensitive to other’s needs.

Beth:  To be free of lust means that I am no longer chained to unhealthy desires and actions. I am free from driving half an hour to see a man who I did not really care for nor did he care for me. I no longer have to resort to acting out with myself for comfort, support, or out of confusion.

Jean:  Being free from lust means clarity in all aspects of my life, being in the present moment. Clarity of myself—seeing myself realistically. I am not better than nor less than. Seeing others as human beings. I am not self-centered, only thinking of myself. I am connected to my Higher Power. When I pray, I can let Him guide me. I can admit I am powerless and need His help. I cannot be lust-free on my own. I need my Higher Power’s help and others’ help. I am restored to sanity and clarity.

SA Toronto:  Free of lust for me is the ability to surrender lustful fantasies and imaginations and to refrain from acting out. Along with that is the freedom from compulsive, disturbing obsessions and the ability to form real relationships.

Was there a time when you weren’t living in this freedom? What was that like?

Esty:  I didn’t always live free from lust. It felt like a wall separating me from those around me, especially my loved ones. I had little capacity to connect on a deep level. I was afraid of letting people in, of being vulnerable and putting my needs out to others. I was incapable of giving and receiving love. I also found it difficult to maintain friendships. I felt little compassion for my husband and felt better than him. I was a true love cripple hiding in my shell. I wanted other men to lust after me and everyone’s husbands seemed better than mine. I fantasized about what it would be like to be married to those that attracted me. I was sexually selfish and focused only on my pleasure.

Beth: When I was in the addiction I could not stop acting out with men or myself. I thought I was in control, but I always lied to myself that everything was fine and that I was OK. I lied to others to hide what I was doing and to protect my secrets. I felt guilty for this but I still did not think I had a problem. I used my mother and friends to babysit my kids so I could act out with a married man. I did not care if I lost my husband or kids over this affair. I lied to myself that the affair was going to save my marriage so I could stay in the affair that was not satisfying or fixing the empty hole in my soul.

Jean: When I do not surrender my lust I am living in the chaos of my mind. I am not connected to the present moment, to other people, or to God. I am isolated in my mind. I cannot concentrate. Lust becomes my identity, my god. I put unrealistic expectations on the man and expect him to be perfect and live up to my unrealistic expectations. Lust also creates self-hatred and shame. I feel like I am defined by this addiction. 

SA Toronto:  I was suffering constantly until I entered recovery, and surely I wasn’t living any type of freedom. I was emotionally messed up. I was living with an awful lot of pain and misery and I used lust and masturbation to escape from it. After each act-out I was disgusted with myself. I felt two-faced and, most of all, I hated myself. I suffered conflicting feelings of being alternatingly connected to and disconnected from God. My life was reaching a rock bottom.

How did you finally experience freedom?

Esty:  My freedom came from the moment I admitted to myself, God and others that I was a sexaholic and had been for many years. Surrendering my lust was not easy, as it was such an ingrained habit. I remember walking down the street and realizing how I had the habit of checking out every driver on the street, making eye contact, and seeing if anyone was lusting after me. I prayed and looked down at the street as I walked. It hit me how much lust operated in my life without me even noticing or being aware. I also had to stop flirting with men and justifying my flirting. Avoiding triggers and being sensitive to what I was exposed to were important. 

Beth:  I finally experienced freedom from lust when I admitted to my husband my affair of seven years. It was my husband who went online and found the 20 Questions. I answered the program questions, and together we decided I needed the program and therapy. My therapist felt I needed to go to women’s groups and she helped me find the groups. The women helped me learn and grow because I had childhood wounds from girls who were mean to me. Groups and available times changed for me and I was grateful that I had put myself on the WISA list because I still could interact with and sponsor women. I learned the more I gave the more I got back because there is true power in this program and the Steps.

Jean:  I experience freedom working the Twelve Steps with my sponsor, going to face-to-face and phone meetings, and reaching out to the other women in the program. At first I thought I was terminally unique but I realized the acting out pattern did not matter. We have more similarities than differences. Writing also helps me see the situation more clearly. I have done Steps One through Three on the man I am lusting after. I pray for the man I am lusting after. I ask God to help relieve me of the lust and see him as a human being rather than as an object.

SA Toronto: I remember the very first time I applied the tools of the program to help me stay sober. I was so new to everything and I didn’t understand anything. All I knew was to turn to God and surrender my lust. It was a sunny day and I was standing against the window as I had a lust hit. I turned my gaze up and just repeated many times in a gentle tone of voice these words, “I am powerless over lust and I want to surrender that to my HP.” I was shocked and surprised as I felt the lust subsiding from me. This prayer has kept me sober till today, one day at a time. That was just the key. Sobriety is a foundation of a whole new way of life! Emotional stability followed and thereafter the ability to work on myself—my character assets and defects. With that, God has granted me the gifts of the program and I found happiness and peacefulness within me and I’m building a grounded and successful life for myself! (Family/kids/job/friends…)

How did S.A. members help you in your journey to freedom?

Esty: My healing and freedom from lust could not have happened without my sponsor and fellows in the program. The ability to connect with other SA women was an exhilarating experience. I felt like I came home. There were people who understood me and my deepest and most shameful struggles. Talking to them broke the shame of sexuality I had carried with me for many years. Sitting with men in meetings helped me to see them as human beings with feelings and struggles. I learned to connect emotionally with men without objectifying myself or them. This was a crucial part of my recovery.

Beth:  The SA members helped by listening to me. Their presence at meetings gave me comfort that I was not a lonely freak, that I was one among many. It was natural to see that we all needed each other and shared our histories. The SA members helped me see that their stories held clues and learning experiences for me to adapt for my life and my journey. The people I know who are not in program are missing out on so much support, knowledge and connection. It is so rewarding to go to SA and be with people with the wisdom, hope and desire to keep on becoming better people!

Jean:  In mixed meetings I realize the men are not so different from the women. We have the same addiction. I can talk to the men and not lust after them but see them as brothers. I also post my struggles to online SA groups and get support from others when I am struggling. I call and email other women. We cannot do this alone. I call my sponsor on a daily basis. When I meet a female newcomer I call her and reach out. I call women in the program on a daily basis.

SA Toronto:  I had been through the doors of so many therapists, doctors and hospitals before I entered the rooms. But when I came to a 12-Step group I found something that I had not seen before: A group of people sharing honestly and openly their real and vulnerable feelings! When I spoke to members they were all relating to what I said with compassion and humor. It’s a “we” program, we have a common problem and we have a common solution. I’m no more alone!

What would you like to say to the women who will be at ‘Together, and Never Alone Again’ this year?

Esty: I look forward to spending a weekend with my sisters in recovery and truly connecting and enjoying each other’s company as human beings. The more real and honest we are, the deeper the healing and freedom from lust. I love you all and thank you for being on this journey with me toward peace and serenity.

Beth:  Put this recovery first after your Higher Power! Trust God and your sponsor for any perplexing decision. Be patient with yourself, treat yourself as you would a toddler. This is a new arena! You need your own self love and self support to grow and blossom into the butterfly your Higher Power intended you to be! Never quit! You are worth it, so work it! I may not know you personally, but since you are here and in this program I truly love your bravery and your ability to break out from the utter grips of hell on earth! “Keep on keeping on!”

Jean:  Please do not give up if you relapse. You are not alone; other women have been where you are. You are not defined by this addiction. You are a woman of worth. We all deserve happiness and freedom. Let’s take each other’s hand and not isolate. We are sisters who need each other. 

SA Toronto: Welcome! I’m looking forward to meeting you and getting to know you! I hope that the convention serves you well! Recovery can sometimes be really painful. Give yourself a chance, you deserve it! Though it is hard, it pays off. The inner peace, freedom and joy that lie within this program are attainable to all of us! You deserve it, too!