Being a sexaholic is a life-long condition, and it goes back to my childhood where I felt inadequate, unworthy, unloved, and lonely. I used to drink resentments about how I walk, talk, and my body shape. Thus, I never dismissed an opportunity to make myself feel better, including active lusting!

Active lusting was a lifestyle that I carried with me just like my purse. I carried it to work, the streets, shopping, and traveling. Of course, I had to excel in that! Otherwise, I am unworthy. Lust was my drug to sedate the pain of coping with life itself!

My memory takes me back to more than 3 decades ago, when I used to visit a coastal city in my country, and I used to dress in a provocative way that sent a message: “Please connect with me and make me whole.” I wanted to be lusted after! Men looking at me gave me a fake feel of worth and acceptance! Unfortunately, I did not realize that I was hooked to that city; I was too drunk. For I used that city as an accessory of my active lusting and sexual acting out habit.

To my greatest surprise, we owned a place in that city! Woo-hoo! And, as expected, I traveled over and over. My acting out has escalated in that city until I almost lost my life. I reached my bottom in that city. I declared defeat!

So, what has changed? I still visit the city, but I am not acting out. I am now able to make better choices. I joined SA and I started working with a male sponsor (there were no female SA fellows back then, and that’s another story), and guess what happened. The man who sponsored me is from that city! He taught me how to surrender and he took me through the Steps.

After I regained my balance, I resumed my visits to that city, but now I walk around carrying my spiritual toolkit with me. It is a very rich, yet simple, toolkit:
1- I pray and surrender a lot.
2- I dress modestly.
3- I sit, walk, and talk modestly.
4- I keep my looks checked.
5- I don’t cross my boundaries with anyone.
6- I take my copy of the AA book with me.
7- I take sufficient money to buy internet bundles to stay in touch with my group and meetings remotely.
8- Most importantly, I carry the fellowship in my heart. I recall their looks and voices which fill me with love and acceptance.

This is how I stay sober when I am traveling to the very same city where I used to act out. It is a miracle, what else can you call it? Staying sober and working my program has granted me freedom from active lusting and acting out on a daily basis, and I am eternally grateful for that.