ESSAY interviewed Priscilla, who shared with us the tools that have been working for her … one day at a time since 1993.

There’s a saying, “Recovery is peace and serenity in the midst of the storm.” And Priscilla has known many storms. Today, after more than 30 years of sexual sobriety, she has tools to stay the course during storms.

Priscilla C., from Nashville, Tennessee, has been sober since February 7, 1993. She was sent to Sexaholics Anonymous by her therapist. “My forms of acting out were predominantly with married or emotionally-unavailable men. I’d had a series of relationships with people I worked with, and every time, I said I’d never do it again. I made sure it’d only be with someone out of state, but, of course, that was just part of my rationalization. I had an affair with a guy that I only saw twice a year, but we talked a lot on the phone. One time we agreed to meet in another state, but when we did, he seemed very distant. The next day he said he didn’t want to see me again—that he didn’t want the affair and that I forced him into it.

“I got home, met my priest, and did a confession. She suggested going to a therapist, so I did. He said to read a book about sex addiction, and I really identified with it. Then he recommended Sexaholics Anonymous. Before my first meeting, I was adamant that no one could find out what I do. But I went anyway. The room was full of men, they did a newcomers meeting for me. And that was over 30 years ago.”

Priscilla shares that her problem wasn’t just about the sex. She used sex just to “hook up with someone.” After that, she did everything she could to keep them connected to her. “It was about lusting and wanting to be lusted after,” she says. “I’m not just referring to being sexually lusted after, but also my need for someone to want me, pay attention to me, see me. I wanted to be sought after.“

Program Tools

Today, by the grace of Higher Power, Priscilla no longer has to do any of this. When she first came into the program, she attended three-to-four meetings per week. A woman in her meeting offered her phone number, and she became her first sponsor. Now, the most frequent message Priscilla gives to newcomers is, get a sponsor, work the Steps, and talk with others in the Program. “Meetings alone won’t keep you sober,” she says. “Work the Steps, listen to your sponsor, and follow the suggestions in the White Book, “Overcoming Lust and Temptation” on pages 157-168.”

Meetings alone are not enough, but they are a key ingredient of her program of recovery. When Priscilla was still new in SA, she went to a meeting right after work. “It was a way to calm down from the day. It was a way to decompress after a busy day at work. Being around relatively-healthy people was a real blessing after being with some crazy people I worked with.”

All these years later, she still enjoys her SA meetings. She talks about how comforting the meetings are, how she feels cared for, that it’s not the individual she feels connected to but to the community as a whole. “It feels like church,” she says, “I walk into that room, and it just feels safe, almost holy to me.”

Literature

On working the Steps, Priscilla says, “In early sobriety, it was important to talk with my sponsor every day and to other women in the Program. It took me quite a while to start my first Step, I just kept putting it off. But once I started, I felt how important it was. I didn’t want to do this work because it was hard, but it was really good for me.“

Priscilla worked the Steps with AA’s Big Book. The SA’s White Book was already in print by the time she came to the Program, but she can’t remember it being used at meetings yet. “The Big Book gave me a good solid foundation for working the Steps, it taught me how to achieve recovery,” she says. “I like the way it talks about powerlessness and how it talks about a Higher Power, that it’s not something to be specifically defined. I also like Steps 1 through 3 because they helped me get grounded. I used to think that admitting I’m powerless meant I was playing the victim. I’ve had the worst time with that! It was my therapist who helped me to see that it’s actually the opposite. Admitting that I’m powerless actually gave me power. That’s when it made sense that when I get humble enough to admit my powerlessness that a Higher Power will do for me what I can’t do for myself.”

Priscilla also considers the White Book one of the strongest tools in our toolkit. “The White Book is good for me to relate with the stories. I’m grateful that Roy wrote about the concept of lust as the driving force behind the addiction. It helped me understand the disease. Lust isn’t something you can put down like alcohol or drugs. It’s in my head. I’m very appreciative that there was somebody who had the wisdom to talk with us about lust and what it looks like. I always thought that lust was about sex, but it’s not. It certainly can involve sex, but for me it’s way more than sex.”

When Priscilla helps her sponsees through the Steps today, she mainly uses Alcoholics Anonymous (because that’s how she did it in 1993) and Step Into Action, which she considers to be “very practical and profound.”

Progressive Victory over Lust

Our sobriety definition includes “progressive victory over lust.” What does this mean for Priscilla? “I think that, in recovery, things that didn’t seem to be a problem at first can become one later. I’ll give you an example: I was sober for four years, and we had a new priest at our church. I knew his wife. My church was close to my work, and one day he called and asked me to lunch at a local farmers market. We continued getting lunch together, and it wasn’t a secret. After a while, he suddenly stopped reaching out. I called, but I got no response. I seriously thought we had a simple friendship, that it was completely acceptable. But when he dropped out like that, I realized I was in a full-on emotional affair with him. I was shocked!

“I think HP sometimes lets things happen so I can see that I still do unhealthy things—even stupid things. While I thought I was working this great program, HP let me see very clearly that I still need Him. For me, it’s about surrendering throughout the rest of my life. Sometimes situations come up that I can’t see are unhealthy, but when HP gives me an experience where it sinks in, I want to remember that God gave me this situation to grow from, to learn more about myself, and to keep taking right actions.

“This doesn’t mean I’m not working my program; on the contrary! The fact that I can accept my missteps, become willing (again!) to surrender those missteps, and change my actions, means I’m working a good program.

“People sometimes think that once they get in the Program, life is gonna be perfect. That’s what I used to think. I thought sobriety would solve all my problems. But you know what? Life is just hard, and stuff is gonna happen. So when difficulties come up, I don’t want to hold on to them, and I keep trying to let go—every time. There will always be problems.”

The Greatest Gift of the Program

“I think the greatest blessing, the greatest gift of the Program, is that I can feel feelings. I used to see nothing but negativity, and it weighed me down to the point that I pushed all hard feelings down. But I can feel them now. It’s not pleasant, but I have tools to manage them now. Problems don’t last forever, and God helps me learn from each feeling now. Even from the most difficult feelings, I can now enjoy the very best feelings.

“In the midst of any storm, I pray the Serenity Prayer. It helps me figure out what to do. Recovery doesn’t guarantee peace and happiness all the time. But it’s finding peace when my brain is going crazy, because I know I’m going to get through it. It’s only with my Higher Power that this can happen.”

Priscilla is committed to working this Program of miracles and to staying sober . . . one day at a time.