When I first came to SA and heard about mixed meetings (with both men and women), I thought, if everyone has the same brain as me, it’s gonna be quite a party!

As a woman, I was afraid of any interaction with men because the only thing in my mind was sex. I went to women-only meetings and thought a sexaholic who interacted with the opposite sex was crazy, and had to be lying to themselves about their lust hits.

My attitude was driven by fear, by thinking I was supposed to control my lust addiction instead of surrender it to HP. Of course, I didn’t stay sober. My mind was full of lust, my fantasies led me to relapse every day, and I was far from honest about my sobriety.

I also kept thinking that all I needed was some “good sex” to relieve my obsession. When I recognized that my disease was steadily taking control, I realized my way was not working. I began to accept that women-only meetings won’t give me control over lust because I’m as powerless over women as I am over men. Running from my powerlessness wasn’t going to restore me to power.

The meaning of “being sober” first dawned on me when I attended a service meeting that included male sexaholics. They were sober! And not only sober, they also seemed happy and free. I wanted what they had.

After that, I gradually attended more mixed meetings, but I was very afraid. I would call a friend to say I was about to attend a meeting with men in it, and then I’d call her again after I left. I wouldn’t say a word to anyone in the meeting, and I’d almost run to my car afterward as if I’d been holding my breath the whole time.

During meetings, I was very tempted to drink in the sight of the men, so I learned to remove my glasses and simply pray. If the urge to look was too strong, I’d step outside for a bit to phone a friend, share in detail what I had been thinking, and then pray. Inviting another woman to attend with me was also very helpful.

A very important realization came to me around this time: lust is in my head, not out in the room. My lust is not the attractive men in the room, it’s the addiction inside of me. I know this because I can sit alone in a dark room and still be drunk on lust. This is how my addiction works.

There weren’t a lot of women in my country going to SA meetings when I was young in the Program. I still wanted a sponsor to help me work through the Steps as the big book teaches, so I asked a man to sponsor me. I thought having a male sponsor would be precarious, but he set strong boundaries for both of us, and his honesty and wisdom helped me tremendously to get out of my sexaholic head.

Over time and with the grace of God, I started to feel. Thanks to working the Steps, I started to see other sexaholics as human beings and not as sex objects. I began to really hear their shares, I could relate to their pain, and I started practicing the tools that were helping them. Being with men and women in meetings helped me see that we have the same disease. It doesn’t matter what someone’s sex is, their age, their ethnicity, etc. — what matters is that we are all sick people wanting to get better.

Mixed meetings have become my gym for life—it’s where I do my spiritual workouts to develop the virtues the Steps teach me. In these meetings, I’m learning to enjoy healthy relationships with people without seeing them as sex objects but simply as men and women. I’m learning in these meetings to set healthy boundaries, to simply say yes and no, to practice rigorous honesty, and to replace constant lust with selfless love.

Lust had seeped into every part of my life. I felt shame just being me. Being me was my mind constantly filled with lust, lust about friends, family members, and even animals.

Today, the Fellowship helps me remember that I’m not alone. I hear my own thoughts expressed by others, and I’m free to bring my darkest thoughts out into the light. My home group is my family, a family that I chose. In meetings, I feel I’ve come home. And if I’m the only woman in a meeting now, I hardly pay any attention to it. I’m trying to focus more on what I can give than on what I take.

And you know what? If I find myself lusting for someone in a meeting, it’s just a good reminder that I’m a real sexaholic and that I need God . . . desperately!