The Five Basics

Hi, I’m Karin W., a woman sexaholic, and on 27 June ’23, I landed in SA. My sobriety date is Sept 1, 2023. I have a SA in-person home group, attend Zoom SA meetings, work the 12 Steps with a SA sponsor and do SA Correctional Facilities Committee (CFC) service work. Also, I’m committed to ‘no’ dating or getting into a relationship for a year, minimum. Before SA, I wanted to die.

As a young child and adolescent, I was powerless over lust when alone with others. Sisters, cousins, friends, schoolmates—once by ourselves, I became lusting and played “let’s-lay-down” games. Horizontally with another, I manipulated sexual acting-out. After school, I chased a smaller boy off the school grounds, knocked him down and acted-out. Alone with boyfriends, peers at parties and strangers (adults I hooked up with after meeting on a random ‘call-out’ phone line), I experienced a chaotic range of sexual encounters.

As a young adult, I was powerless with a breadth of people. I quit a promising career in hairdressing and exchanged sex for money (escorting) to lust more. From adolescence until adulthood, I practiced unsafe sex and experienced four unwanted pregnancies. In 1985, despair and desperation led to detox and a women’s residential treatment center for substance abuse. Accepting I was an addict, I joined Narcotics Anonymous (NA) and Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

As an adult, I was a single mom and powerless over lust in an incident with my 9-month-old daughter. Alone with her and changing her on the change table, lust hit and tried to force me to molest her.

Being in NA and no longer isolated, I was able to ‘will’ myself away and out-of-the-room (it felt like fighting against the PULL of a 1,000 pound magnet). I then joined another ‘S’ fellowship but stopped going. I had a 5-year affair with a married man. During the affair, I left my school age daughter with a questionable caregiver. She was molested by this caregiver while I was preoccupied with what I wanted (the married man). Relationship obsessed, I denied signs and lost the ability to protect my daughter. (Since my daughter’s disclosure, I’ve made amends to the best of my ability—including therapies, legal protection and all my love. She’s graciously forgiven and we’re healing together.)

During covid, I tried dating apps for social connection. Once lusted upon, I fell into powerlessness. I was having out-of-control anonymous sex with others, including relationship fantasy or not.

Seven years ago, after retiring from teaching (early childhood education), I was certified as a cuddle workshop facilitator. I led (nonsexual), wholesome events and maintained caring, platonic boundaries. During covid, the workshops stopped and I experimented with 1-1 cuddling. Alone with a cuddler (and no active ‘S’ program) lust hit. I acted-out sexually and with dependency (chasing). Lust progressed. I offered other cuddlers acting-out behaviors for an increased fee and for their approval.

In early SA, I was powerless over relationship fantasy when 1-1 messaging fella SA members or 1-1 chatting in SA parking lots.

Because of “untreated lust” and a dangerous hair’s width from molesting my daughter, I feel kinship with our brothers and sisters incarcerated for sexual offenses. I get it. Without a program, lust has its way—regardless of values, morals, love.

Early in Narcotics Anonymous (1986) a few of us women took an NA step group into Ocala Women’s Prison. Two years later in an NA meeting a woman approached me, “Karin, do you remember me? I worked the Steps with you in Ocala. I got out and went straight to a meeting. I’ve got my kids back and am in school and clean.” In that moment, I felt joy and gratitude!

The unmanageability of being an “untreated” sexaholic led me to causing harm to self and others. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual harm. The five “basics” of meetings, home group, sponsorship, Steps and service had worked in both NA/AA and is working in SA as well. In Vancouver, B.C. (Canada), a few of us proposed forming a SA Intergroup Correctional Facilities Committee. The outcome was in the hands of a group conscience (Tradition 2). Now, Vancouver Intergroup has a SA CFC with Chair and Co-Chair. May we bring hope to our imprisoned brothers and sisters, broaden SA fellowship service opportunities and strengthen personal sobrieties.

Because of the melting ‘stigma’ of sexaholism (as Alcoholics Anonymous has overcome “stigma” over time), SA CFC Sponsor-By-Mail is practicing along! And SA CFC in-person, audio, video or upon release supports are unfolding as we speak! Nothing feels better than receiving written Step work from an incarcerated sister or brother—who unless we’re going in, has no way of connecting! Today, I want to live.