I didn’t know what grief was or what it felt like before recovery. Lust numbed all my emotions, positive and negative. I rarely had feelings when pets passed away. It felt like it was just part of life.

My grandma passed away when I was 16. I ended up sitting beside my grandpa and holding his hand through the funeral. I was numb and kept asking in my head, “Where are the adults? This isn’t my job.” I asked my parents why I didn’t feel anything. I would later learn that this shock (numbness) is how I initially respond to grief, but I was told that if I had invested more in my relationship with my grandma, I would have felt more. What a setup for dependency issues! I concluded I was defective and that all relationships are 100 percent dependent on me. I think my lust became worse due to this.

I ended up resenting my grandparents because they didn’t make enough time for me, or so I was told by my parents. This separated me from them. I also did not have tolerance for the emotions of others.

In recovery, I thought I had come to escape lust, but I experienced many other gifts. My Higher Power set me free from my resentment towards my grandparents through the Step Four Resentment Inventory, praying the Sick Man Prayer, and taking Step Five. A lot of my resentments melted away. I also realized I was powerless over many character defects like self-pity, judgmentalism, perfectionism, dishonesty, intolerance, fear, and dependency (Steps Six and Seven).

I made Step Nine amends to my grandparents by visiting their graves for the first time after they passed away. I didn’t think anything would happen. I read my amends and asked God the three follow-up questions that I usually ask: “How did this affect you? “Did I miss anything?”, and “How can I make it right?”

I had a flood of really positive memories come back into my mind, particularly one of the last memories of my grandpa when I was around 20. He greeted me at the door and put his hands on my shoulders, saying, “Boy, you look great!” I took that as his way of saying he loved me. I also remembered my grandma showing my siblings and me how to make papier-mache. My Higher Power showed me that my grandparents loved me, and that I loved them. The old lies and distortions were finally gone.

I’ve experienced grief more fully in recovery. My neighbor and friend was killed in the line of duty as he served as a police officer. My Higher Power kept me sober as I questioned Him in anger, cried, and mourned with my community (Steps Ten and Eleven). My Higher Power kept me sober through the waves of grief that popped up spontaneously in the months ahead—sometimes numbness, sometimes anger, sometimes sadness, sometimes accepting. Most importantly, I was able to be present for his family and share positive memories at the memorial service. Most importantly, I have been able to share the gift of grieving with my children. They saw me cry at various times when the grief hit, and I could affirm their feelings, walking them through the natural process of grief (Step Twelve). As many say, “I’m insufficiently grateful” for this and the many other gifts of recovery.