I remember what my life was like when I was living wholly in my addiction. It was as though I were in a cave, deep inside, where the light was far off, and surrounding me were damp, cold walls of stone. Gratefully and finally, I moved toward the light and found fellowship in SA. That damp, dark place was my lust addiction. I was isolated even though I was surrounded by people. In my lust, I saw people as objects, and I was alone.

As I started attending meetings, got a sponsor, and began to work a program of sobriety, I started to relate to people as persons. My self-centered existence began to change. Prayer and meditation drew me out. My Higher Power became more important to me than getting what I wanted all the time. I used to have warm relationships in my earlier years, but my addiction had drawn me away. 

People reached out to me in kindness, and I grew to trust fellow SA members when I shared my shame, my sins, my powerlessness, and my secrets. Because of the love of the members of my home group, I became open to listening to the problems of others and have compassion for them. Finally, I was living in the light. 

This openness to other members came with a price. I became vulnerable by sharing their pain. Now, some of my friends share their family problems. Other members share financial challenges, loss of jobs, medical bills, and sicknesses. I pray for them. I share their suffering, and I feel for them. I suffer too. Is it worth it? Is this a bargain to exchange the pain of addiction for the pain of relationships? 

I believe so. This is life. To share the pain of another is to live in love. Service is one of our three legacies. It is healthy for me to help others, to carry our message of SA to others so that the light that came into my life can shine into theirs. I help newcomers live in the light.

A gift of the Program is acceptance. “Acceptance Was the Answer” is a famous chapter in the fourth edition of the Big Book of AA, on page 407. Acceptance means living life on life’s terms, and part of those terms are accepting the sickness and death of our friends. I grieve for my friends’ passing. One of my sponsors died six years ago. I remember him well and the peace and serenity he helped me find. With gratitude to my Higher Power, I remember all those who have helped me live in the light. I am open to life, and I am open to the grief that comes with it.