When I came to SA at the beginning of January 2021, started working the Steps, and got to know my Higher Power, I thought life would no longer be difficult. As long as we are sober and with God, it can only be good, right?

Well, not really.

My dear grandmother was hospitalized in September 2024, and her condition deteriorated rapidly. My relationship with her had improved greatly in the last few years. In my active addiction, I had little time and attention for my grandparents. When my grandfather died in 2016, I was very upset, but I was unable to mourn. My addiction numbed me, and I was not present. When I started working the Steps in January 2021, I began to feel guilty that I had not been there for my grandfather, so my sponsor told me that I could make a living amends by spending a lot of time with my grandmother and taking care of her. I have done that in the last few years, and we have developed a warm, loving relationship. 

When the hospital called to tell us we had to come quickly to say goodbye, I experienced a lot of fear and sadness. The idea that she wouldn’t be with us anymore was very painful. On the way to the hospital, I first prayed and then called a sister in the program. She suggested praying the Serenity Prayer together. Her love and support gave me strength when I was going through a hard time. God and the Fellowship were with me. When she passed away on October 13, I received a card from the men in my home group, wishing me much strength. I felt that I was not alone. 

Applying the principles of the Program helped me during those weeks to deal with my own emotions and those of my family members, as we all prepared for the funeral. It wasn’t always easy, but what helped me was to apply the Traditions (Tradition One: the unity of my family takes priority over my desires, and Tradition Two: God speaks through the group conscience, thus my family), to write resentment inventories and to focus on the fact that I could serve. Those tools helped me to stay serene and peaceful. The best part was that this time I could truly feel my grief. While I had only experienced the passing of my grandfather in a haze, now I could feel all my pain, and I knew that I was safe in God’s arms. Together with Him, my sponsor, my sisters and brothers in the Program, and my family, I got through this difficult period safely and sober.

Three days after my grandmother’s funeral—eight days after her death—I received a phone call that Luc, our Flemish fellow and friend, had been in a bike accident and had died instantly. He was incredibly important to me and truly a part of my life. His death caused a mix of emotions: disbelief, anger, guilt, and an incredible amount of pain and sadness. For the first time in my life, I was angry at God and doubted His goodness. I was numb and angry and sad, and I don’t think I have ever felt so many different emotions at the same time. What particularly got me through that period was the solidarity within SA. It was incredible, both within SA Flanders and worldwide. 

I did what I always do and what has always helped me: I had a meeting every day (even on the day of the funeral), I made phone calls, I prayed and meditated, and I worked the Steps. I also took good care of myself every day by eating healthy, walking a lot, and getting enough sleep (or at least trying to, because I couldn’t sleep much). Here too, the love of SA, and also my own family, got me through. For a while, I no longer believed in God, but He gave His love to my loved ones, and they passed it on to me. 

Two deaths in eight days. That hit me hard. My therapist told me that I could count on at least a year to recover somewhat from this. I am doing much better, but I am still not there yet. I still sometimes start crying out of the blue because Luc is no longer here. And I still talk to my deceased grandmother, because I miss her so much.

Even though they are no longer physically present, I feel that their souls are still with us. I am starting to resemble my grandmother more and more: I am more tolerant, softer, kinder, and more generous. And I feel that Luc’s influence on my life is greater than ever: working a strong program, no matter what, and enduring pain and suffering with God. The latter was necessary recently, because after thirteen years of living together, my cat also passed away. The emptiness in my apartment was enormous, and so was the emptiness in my heart. This hurt too much, and for the first time, I didn’t even want to try to pray it away. I endured it, hand in hand with my Higher Power.

This year I am not expecting too much of myself, which is advice from my sponsor that I am following. I no longer drown myself in service, but give myself time, space and a lot of silence to recover. I am allowed to miss all three of them, and I am allowed to let all the pain in. God is holding me tight, and I know that I am safe with Him.

And my grandmother, Luc, and my cat Milton? I believe they are with Him now, and they are very happy there. One day we will see each other again, and that is something to look forward to.