Recently I celebrated two years of sobriety. So much has changed in my life over those two years. Perhaps the greatest gift I now enjoy is a wonderful sense of well-being. With an attitude of gratitude I will continue to do what is necessary to preserve this fragile gift of sobriety.

One essential element in leading a sober life is a regular attendance at meetings. I go to meetings because I must, not because I want to meet people or because I have nothing better to do. Often I have to sacrifice other activities and interests in order to get to a meeting and therefore I want that hour and a half to be as productive as possible.

I may not be alone if I say that quite often I leave a meeting feeling angered and frustrated at the lack of sobriety, denial and avoidance of the core issues. The meeting guidelines on pages 188 and 189 of Sexaholics Anonymous if fully implemented would keep us on the right track, namely, honesty, openness and surrender of lust in all its forms.

So often at meetings we hear about work, home, car, spouse, children, employers, finances etc., etc., and lust is recognized only as an afterthought. I’m at that meeting solely because of my problem with lust and I am empowered when I surrender it. The power of my addiction is manifest in its ability to make other issues seem more important thereby keeping the primary problem hidden. We are only as sick as our secrets. A secret lust is a powerful poisonous force. “But as soon as I bring it to the light, exposing it to another recovering sexaholic, the power it has over me is broken. Light kills lust.” (p. 160) If we must allude to people, places and things then let us do so briefly, focusing on uncovering and surrendering lust, all the lust and only the lust. Save the other issues plus the philosophies, theories and strategies for therapy.

I always feel a sense of relief when I hear my own experiences and struggles coming from another’s mouth. When it comes to my turn to share I might refer to their comments and my personal identification with them. For the most part this is how we respond to the sharing of another. But what happens when a newcomer or chronic slipper with no sobriety, who cannot tell fact from fiction or reality from fantasy is speaking with the addiction’s voice and because his denial system is so firmly in place he thinks he is “working the program”? There was a time when the line between right and wrong, health and sickness, addiction and sobriety was so blurred that I was never sure which side I was on. Unfortunately my best intentions were of little help. Only when my skewed thoughts, beliefs and attitudes were challenged over and over again did the clouds begin to clear and some semblance of reality begin to take shape. So often at meetings a person may be way out in left field all the while thinking they are on base and the group offers no direction. I would suggest that when we witness someone straying away that we respond to their blindness but do so using “I” statements. “I once thought as you do but then later I discovered that….” So many of our brothers and sisters stay lost because nobody takes the initiative to retrieve them. Simply saying “keep coming back” can be an affirmation of a person’s addiction and does him more harm than good.

Might I also refer newcomers and chronic slippers to page 185 of our big book: “Without sobriety we have nothing to offer anyone.” By all means share your lusts but be conscious of the time. Be short on talking and long on listening.

I hope and pray that despite our growing pains, SA will continue to move forward. I feel optimistic about our future. Our success will depend on our implementation of the Twelve Steps on a daily basis and the implementation of the first three each time we are assailed by lust. We are besieged by a powerful, malevolent oppressor, lust, which seeks only our destruction, spiritual, emotional and physical. But there is One whose power infinitely exceeds the power of lust. May we turn to Him as children in our powerlessness and unmanageability.

I came to SA in desperation some seven months ago a confused and lonely person. Through SA, I have received gifts I did not know existed. For the first time in years I’ve felt child-like joy. I speak of something I forgot from childhood, something that defies description, something that makes the late-night lights of a distant off-track city shimmer with eternity. Thank you.