Taken from German SA Newsletter, 11/90

At first glance, sobriety questions seem easy to resolve. I think it’s so simple because I think, okay, so long as I don’t masturbate or sleep with another woman or a prostitute, then I’m sober. But is this really the case? Doesn’t sexual acting out begin when I go looking for a porno shop or porn flick or when I go into the sleazy part of town? My lust knows the narrowest recesses of my heart.

Or if I want to have a lust-dream? Previously, I had the notion that so long as I never reached orgasm, then I didn’t act out. I wondered why I never had much recovery, even though I tried to work the program. In spite of meditation and lots of praying and some honesty, I never got very far. My relationship with my wife was based on resentment. Something wasn’t right. I’ve got this suspicion that my lack of progress has to do with the fact that I interpreted sobriety for myself.

After almost three years of sobriety, I felt so secure that I took a college course called, “Pornography and Sexism.” After taking this course, I acted out. Or had I acted out already by deciding to take the course? I’m also not totally sure if I’m sober when I desire certain sexual practices with my wife. I’ve determined for myself that lust always accompanies such activity.

Today I measure my sexual sobriety by this criterion—what would my SA friends say about this or that activity? Since I have begun using this criterion, I seem to be making progress in my recovery. The relationship with my wife seems to be improving tremendously. I’m entering into a real union with her and am no longer extremely touchy.

Please forgive my candor. I hope I have not offended anyone. But this topic was something which I have been dragging around with me for a long time, and my sharing with SA friends has convinced me to write about it. Perhaps this will provide the occasion for an exchange of experiences. It seems to me that this subject is taboo, even in our meetings.