On Sharing

Sharing was, for many of us, the first gift of the program that we really felt. The meeting provided an island of safety where we felt we could open our darkest secrets to an understanding group of friends. In time, however, we have come to learn that our sharing is an integral part of our progressive victory over lust, both as individuals and as a group. We have learned to concentrate on the solution instead of the problem. We have learned to take advantage of the lead topic to help us to focus on our recovery and our connection with our Higher Power. We have learned to open ourselves up, and that “leading with our weakness” does not mean dumping on ourselves, any more than it means dumping on our wives, our parent, our bosses or anyone else. Perhaps hardest to learn was that sharing is not meant to make us feel better by allowing us to dump our guilt; it is a tool for growth, and as such, we handle it carefully and direct it toward our recovery.

Helping the Chronic Slipper

I have been sexually sober now for almost ten years in SA. During that time many suggestions have been in vogue concerning how to get a sexaholic sober, especially one who is slipping and sliding. One of these suggestions was the 30-day sobriety imperative. Many of our new members will not even recognize this term. It worked well for a while in our local groups, but after a few years its usefulness seemed to pass without effecting the quality or growth of our meetings. Another of these suggestions was the H.O.W. program. This was borrowed from OA. It required intense sponsorship and Step work. It helped for a time, but it, too, came and went.

Now there is a new suggestion for helping many “slippers” stay sober. I feel it is based on truth—the truth repeated over and over in AA—keep to the basics. But will any of these styles sober up the sex drunk? As long as I believe I can sober up another person, ego dangers lurk around the bend. We cannot even sober up ourselves, let alone another human being. God could and would if He were sought. Yes, action is indispensable for our recovery. When we 12-Step someone else, we stay sober one more day, but there is no guarantee for the recipient of our action. Bill W. did not 12-Step Dr. Bob to get Dr. Bob sober, but to keep himself out of the bar in the hotel in Akron.

How do we stay sober? We use the three needed ingredients for recovery: God, the 12 Steps and the fellowship. All three are needed, simultaneously, like the three legs of a stool. If one leg is down, the stool topples over. Getting sober is the result of grace, a gift we must be willing to receive each morning but be willing to do the work it takes to keep the gift for the next 24 hours.

We cannot get “them” sober. We can let God, the Steps and the fellowship work in our own lives and be a living example that the program does work. Our community does prove this program works. We have grown dramatically over the past ten years in numbers and in quality.

I try to set an example through my own sobriety and participation in the fellowship. I try not to judge but to love the slipper. I try to learn from him or her and be available for them but pray to let go of the results of what they do. In our community we try hard to remember it is God, not us, doing it. We are merely his instruments. We, too, have Step Study groups, Step workshops, newcomer meetings, meetings for relapsers, as well as conferences with out-of-town guest speakers; but most of all, we have many people locally in our fellowship with long-term sobriety. They are the living examples that this program works—it really does.