At a recent check-meeting on chronic slipping in our local group here in Somerset, I made a personal discovery which I would like to share, it made so much sense to me.

I have been around SA now for seven years. I have been miraculously relieved of my sexual compulsivity in several stages or layers over that time. The first layer was relief from masturbation, cross-dressing, pornography and voyeurism — relief from compulsive sex with myself. The second layer was relief from sexual obsession with my partner — relief from compulsive sex with others. The third layer has been progressive relief from lust in my daily life: from the power that fantasy, memories, and my eyes have to take control of at any time.

Today, I can look back and see that layer one (sex with self) truly holds no temptation for me — today. That is not yet true for me with layers two and three (sex with others and lust) — maybe it never will be. What I can see is that I am as vulnerable today to a slip in layer three as ever I once was (and could be again) to a slip in layer one with masturbation, cross-dressing, etc.

That means that I too am a chronic slipper when it comes to my uppermost layers (two and three): the compulsive desire for the warm buzz that being around the women (rather than the men) still gives me — the desire to be lusted after; or the compulsive tendency to speed when I’m driving; or my remaining compulsive attraction to status and money.

What I find about my uppermost layers (two and three) is exactly like the man who, as a chronic slipper, simply cannot keep out of men’s restrooms (for example), I too want total relief from my particular affliction now! But if the truth be known — and my behavior proves it to the group — I am not 100% willing — yet — to give these uppermost layers up.

The insight from our check meeting, for me, was that our program does not even tell me that I have to be 100% willing! That 100% willingness will come with time, just as it has for me today, with my own layer one. The program actually tells me — or rather, suggests — that I simply have to put down the jug for now; to delay gratification of my lust for the next few minutes only. That gives me time to run the idea past my sponsor or another group member, over the telephone, and see it for what it is actually worth: the sacrifice of all my glorious newfound sobriety for the sake of just one slip!

Looking back I can honestly say that I have never been 100% willing to surrender out there at the cutting edge of my sobriety. What a relief to recognize that all I have ever done is to delay gratification of my lust, just for now, and the willingness to surrender completely has then come with time.

What gratitude I have for the members of the Fellowship, who have been there to support me, as I practiced these delays, and faced the emptiness and feelings of confusion which they always bring — in the short term. In the longer term the gift of lengthening sobriety has been worth every bit of it!

I hope this is helpful to other chronic slippers too. We only have to put it down for now! Tomorrow is another day!