The high point of the Sacramento conference for me came when my friend Alex* asked me to attend a check meeting. He was dealing with the difficulty of a separation from his wife and had sought the counsel of an old-timer who had many years of experience with check meetings. The old-timer offered to lead the meeting and gave Alex the names of some women to ask as well.

A total of seven of us met in the leader’s room. He began by asking us what we felt about the conference. Then he opened the meeting in prayer and surrendered his desire to be a father to Alex. Unlike other check meetings I had attended, this one was clearly under the guidance of the leader. He asked each of us to state our length of sexual sobriety and where we were with lust today. Then he asked Alex to state in one sentence why he had called the check meeting. He questioned Alex about the background of the problem. After Alex had finished, the leader said: “I think you are a sexaholic.” He empathized with Alex’s dilemma and feelings and shared from his own experience.

Then he asked one of the women, “Joan*, what do you see here?” The woman shared about her marriage to her non-sexaholic husband and her own personal Third Step surrender: “Every day I surrender my orgasm for the rest of my days to God.” Abstinence had been a powerful tool in her marriage and she could now refer to her husband as her “best friend,” she said.

The leader seized on the topic of surrender and asked Alex if he had surrendered his wife, his kids and his marriage to God? “Even if they were all gone tomorrow all you would have is God,” the leader said.

After asking Alex what he thought his wife might be going through emotionally and the nature of their interactions together, he asked: “Have you ever let your wife in?” This was difficult for me to understand. He continued: “They feel the Velcro of our addiction, the discomfort we have about ourselves because of the split within us. Even if you don’t say anything, they are aware of it.”

Then the leader asked one of the male members for input. Joe spoke up: “Alex, where are you in the Steps?” He urged Alex not to make a major decision until first making a Step Nine amends to his wife. He then shared his own experience of getting through the first nine Steps within three months of leaving a treatment center. He offered to help Alex complete a Fourth Step at the conference. I was totally floored! You mean I don’t need nine years to get through nine Steps?

The leader cited as an example AA’s Dr. Bob, who began making amends to people he had harmed on the very day of his last drink. He had only one drink that day. I also realized that help for any program problem was readily available at the conference.

The leader said the check meeting was the high point of the conference for him, and added: “This check meeting is SA.” He said he surrenders SA on a daily basis. We ended the meeting on our knees in free-form prayer for Alex and his wife and children. The entire meeting lasted an hour and 20 minutes.

(*Names have been changed to protect identity)