What do frogs, Bill and Lois W., and kisses have in common? For me, a sex addict, each can trigger my obsession to act out sexually.

Let me start with frogs. Two years ago, after a year in SA, I saw a TV documentary on frogs living in rain forests. A man’s voice described how these wonderful creatures live and reproduce to provide an ecological balance for the vanishing rain forests, and all I saw on TV were drops of water splashing on leaves and plants.

But within two minutes I was so drunk on lust I had to leave the room. My lust-filled mind heard a voice similar to a voice I had heard in a porno movie. The drops of rain, in my sick perverted mind, were euphoric recalls of sexual actions.

How do Bill and Lois fit into this puzzle? Many months ago, my SA sponsor loaned me a video documentary on the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. In one scene, Bill W. and his wife, Lois, were having an intense argument. Within seconds of listening to their harsh words, I became intoxicated on lust.

I did not hear two people share their experience, strength and hope. My lust-filled mind immediately focused on how to “fix” conflicts: jump into bed and take a big dose of the drug that solves every disagreement and problem. Only recently have I realized that my lust totally distorted sex and that lust killed almost every feeling of love that I have experienced. The intense feelings I experienced during that 15-second scene were so strong I had to turn off the video. But I was far enough into recovery that I realized I have choices about actions I take. Thanks be to God, to whom I surrendered my temptations, I did not lose my sobriety.

The Fellowship of SA has taught me that I have a pharmacy of drugs stashed deep within me and they are dispensed as memories and fantasies. This means I do not have to buy pornography, or have anonymous sex partners, because the intense memories from my past can be triggered in the present by any person, thing, event or experience. When triggered, I reach for one of those lust pills to give me a “fix” of relief and instant gratification. But it never lasts. Enough is never enough. The cycle progressively worsens unless I turn to God and the Fellowship. The only thing that works is complete surrender to God, have a desire to stay sober, pray, go to meetings and help other addicts.

What about the kisses? That may be a trigger for many sex addicts. I kissed someone at a recent SA convention. She was not a sexaholic and I did not have any lust when I kissed her. I was not sexually triggered and I did not have to leave for fear of acting out. Isn’t such behavior totally unacceptable for someone like me? I think not. You see, this person was a niece whom I had not seen in many years. Many people may think I am insane to even comment on such a trivial matter. For me, any kind of contact can be a trigger.

It was an incredible gift for me to be able to share my affection with her. It’s been nearly three years since I stopped using kissing as the entree for sex. I have hurt so many women who thought my romanticism meant I loved them.

About the conference itself. It is a great experience to share from the depths of our being at conferences those experiences we never share any other place. I am blessed for having that opportunity. Much pain must be shared before healing begins. But I must be rigorously honest. It was easy for me to have euphoric recalls of my experiences by listening to others. I also experienced some fantasies as I listened. Thank God I could surrender those to my Higher Power and to members of the Fellowship. After returning home, I listened to tapes of the speakers. Again I confess I had erotic thoughts I had to turn over.

Today I have choices about how I cope with anything that is erotic for me. I’m just a toddler—recently I celebrated a year of sobriety—or maybe an infant in my progressive victory over lust. But whatever the stage is, the most important thing is that I am growing in a healthy way. I may be triggered, but that’s OK. All I have to do is make the right choice so God can do for me what I can’t do for myself.