I am powerless over lust. Lust has made my whole life unmanageable. Without this program I could never stop acting out, no matter how hard I tried. I found the SA program in 2003, but left after I decided I could work the program on my own.

I again tried to date without having sex but was unable to do so. In despair I came back to SA. The grace of God through this program has kept me sober since March 25, 2005.

Early in my recovery, I tried to meet men by going to social activities at a community center, but I quickly got stuck in dependency relationships. So I decided to have one year of sobriety before dating again. When I started dating, I found myself ignoring red flags (warning signs), fearing relapse, and definitely not in serenity.

At first, I went ballroom dancing (my hobby) but didn’t feel ready to date. Then I met someone in class, went on one date with him, and began obsessing over him that very night. We didn’t act out, but I was deep in fantasy about him.

I called my sponsor to tell her the “good news” about this guy but she saw a lot of red flags (the same red flags that I heard about from my non-program friends). I strongly disagreed. She asked me to write two lists: (1) Red flags from my past that I had ignored, and the consequences I experienced from ignoring them, and (2) Red flags I could see about this new relationship. I filled four pages of past red flags and their consequences, and I had a long list of warning signs about the new relationship. I was surprised to realize that my sponsor and other friends had been right.

Then I met another guy ballroom dancing. We became dance partners and I again fell quickly into obsession. When I told my sponsor I planned to cancel my attendance at my home group so I could dance with this guy every night, she asked me to limit seeing him to once a week until I wrote some boundaries on how to stay sober and have a dance partner.

I reluctantly agreed. But after doing this exercise and some other SA work, I came to my own conclusion within a few months that I needed to end this relationship. I used the dancing boundaries to help me see reality. So I decided to redo the boundaries to apply to dating as well as dance partners.

After three years and ten months of sobriety, I’m now allowing myself to date again, with my sponsor’s guidance and the tools of this program. I feel the boundaries I’ve written will help my sobriety, but they are no guarantee that I’ll stay sober. Working the Twelve Step program as described in AA Chapter 5, “How it Works” is what keeps me sober one day at a time.

My dating boundaries are based on the assumption that dating is optional for the single sexaholic, just as sex is optional for the married sexaholic. Over the years, this program has given me a deep joy that I never knew existed. I don’t want to lose that over a date. I would rather be in serenity, free from lust, single and celibate than lose my serenity because of dating.

My experience writing these boundaries felt similar to writing a Step. I had to face myself and who I am honestly and with courage and face my fear of doing the very thing that has caused me serious problems in the past.

My boundaries are shown below. The boundaries apply specifically to me and my own recovery issues. Perhaps they will help others develop their own dating boundaries. I’m powerless over lust and will not follow these boundaries perfectly. But I use the SA recovery tools to keep me sober no matter what I’m doing—dating or not.

My Personal Dating Boundaries

1) I do not sit alone in the same car with my date. Physical distance helps my sobriety. Feeling powerless is a sign that it’s time to go home.

2) I do not exclusively date the same man after one date. Even if I enjoy his company, it’s good to date others. The purpose of the dating experience is to enjoy men as people. I don’t want to go into obsessing or lusting for a spouse. If I lust, I need to surrender it immediately and let serenity into the experience. I need to keep the relationship in the light, depend on my Higher Power and my recovery group, and spend time with same-sex friends.

3) I do not get too Hungry, Angry (Emotional), Lonely, or Tired (HALT). I need to remember to use HALT one day at a time. I will not date if I’m at a high HALT level on any one issue.

4) I rate my difficulty with lust triggers from 0-6 before considering a date. Based on my lust level, I will take the appropriate actions, as shown in the following table:

Lust Level:	Actions Required:
Level 6 – May cause death. Emergency.	Clear schedule and work the program. Use as many tools as possible until the fever goes down. Increase number of meetings per week. No dating.
Level 5 – Fever. Dangerous level.	Use the tools of the program. Clear stuff off my schedule and make time to get well. No dating.
Level 4 – Sick.	Use the tools of the program. Keep it simple. Don’t add more to schedule. Dating is optional; proceed with caution.
Level 3 – Getting sick.	Use the tools of the program. Remember: dating is optional.
Level 2 – Feeling okay.	Use the tools of the program.
Level 1 – Feeling some reprieve.	Pray to God and thank Him for reprieve from lust.
Level 0 – Reprieve.	Thank God for reprieve from lust. Enjoy sponsorship. Dating is optional.

5) If something bothers me, I say it out loud. For example, I asked a man not to use profanity around me. I let him know I do not like crude humor.

6) I pause when I need to. I struggle with knowing what I want to do when a future activity is suggested. My automatic response is, “Yes.” I need to change my automatic response to, “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” Then, when I’m away from the guy, I can check my schedule and lust-level, and speak about it to others in the program if I need to.

7) I tell my date my boundaries. At the appropriate time I will clearly state my boundaries. I might say, “If you want to date me…” then state the boundaries I want to state. I will use “I” language and not “you” language, and will treat the man with respect throughout the conversation. My boundaries include the following:

• I do not kiss.
• I go much slower than average.
• I do not fool around or act like I’m going to have sex.
• I drive myself to locations where we date until I decide otherwise.

If my date has a problem with any of my boundaries, we cannot continue to date, but I will remain respectful of him as a person.

8) I leave if my boundaries are crossed (by me or by him). For example, if my partner makes a move to kiss me, I might do the following:

• Put my hands out and make physical space (so I can think).
• Say “No.” Don’t smile or laugh. Say it seriously and loud enough to be heard.
• State my boundary clearly and out loud. For example, “I don’t kiss.”
• Say goodbye and go home.

If I’m feeling pressured or if he sneaks in a fast kiss or if I sneak a fast kiss and I cross my own boundary, I will tell him “I need to talk to you at a later time about what happened,” get in my car, and go home.

9) Actions to take after I leave (whether boundary violation is by me or him): I use my phone list and try to reach an SA woman to talk. If unable to reach an SA woman, I pray and ask God for His help. If I’m still triggered, I use tools of the program. These tools include: journaling, listening to meetings on CD, working Steps 1-12 on the situation, doing a sobriety renewal, reading AA or SA or other program literature, reading my spiritual book, going to an SA meeting, (or an open AA meeting or any 12-Step meeting I qualify for), or looking at my birthday chips and remembering what I have received from God through the SA program.

10) I take action when I’m feeling powerless over my emotions or actions. If I struggle with lusting after my date(s), I will surrender my date(s) back to God. I will pray for him: “May he be a blessing to others.” Then I take a break from dating for a time until the lust fever leaves.

When I need a break I tell my date something like, “My schedule is crazy. Until I get it under control I cannot commit to seeing you once a week. I will let you know when my schedule is free.”

11) Before I see the man again I will re-read this article. I need to remind myself of my needs in recovery, my boundaries, and who the man is, because I forget. I don’t know what plans my Higher Power has for him. My God may have a spouse especially picked out for him and it might not be me. The man belongs to my Higher Power. I may be tempted to try to take what belongs to my Higher Power, but the man belongs to God.