In the Big Book story “Acceptance Was the Answer” (407), the author notes that his own home is the most difficult place to work his program (419), and that he eventually had to work the Steps a second time, focusing exclusively on his marriage. Following are two examples that show how specific Steps have helped me become the kind of spouse I want to be.

Step Ten: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Step Four in Alcoholics Anonymous includes the phrase “we think fear ought to be classed with stealing” (68). This didn’t make sense to me until one day last fall. At the time, my wife and I were both in school and had been busy all semester. We had not spent much time together. Often she would ask if I wanted to watch a movie or go for a walk, and I would decline saying that I had too much schoolwork to do. Toward the end of the semester I was working on a big project for one of my classes, and my insecurity and perfectionism were having their way with me. I wasn’t procrastinating, but I was constantly worrying about not getting done on time and not doing a good enough job. I was afraid.

Our date day came around. (My wife and I go on a date every other Friday.) We went to a tea room a few minutes from where we live. The plan was to eat lunch and then go for a walk. We ordered, and while we waited for our food, we talked—sort of. My wife made several attempts at conversation, and I half-measured my way through them, only partially listening and offering the bare minimum in response. I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) take my mind off my project. I kept thinking that I needed to get back home to work on it, worrying over the parts I was stuck on, and rehearsing the dwindling amount of time I had left to complete it. After lunch we went for a walk at a nearby park, and it was more of the same: my wife reaching out to share with me, and me trying to listen through my mind’s fearful barrage: How far are we going to walk? The whole way? Maybe we should turn around at the pond. You’ve got to set limits, have boundaries, right? (Thankfully, my disease always speaks in italics, which makes it easy to spot.) Finally, after an afternoon of botched attempts at communication and connection—due to my total preoccupation—my wife and I came home and I returned to my work.

That night as I took my daily inventory (as described in Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions 89), I considered the date with my wife. I asked myself what had gone wrong. Then it hit me: “we think fear ought to be classed with stealing.” I had stolen from my wife. Immersed in fear, I had robbed my wife of my presence all afternoon. I had stolen her chance to connect with and relate to her husband. Obviously, I had missed out as well. By not surrendering my fear, I had allowed it to steal precious hours from one of the most important relationships in my life. The next morning, I admitted my wrong to my wife and told her I would try to do better in the future.

Today, with the help of God and the people in the program, I am giving up my right to steal from my wife (and myself) through fear.

Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him . . .

My wife and I were taking a walk the other day, and we were discussing something which was causing me distress. (Really, my defects of fear and frustration were the source of my discomfort.) During a brief lull in our conversation, I took the opportunity to work the Eleventh Step, using the prayer from AA (87): “As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.”

I asked God in the silence what He would have me do, and what I heard was, “Hold your wife’s hand.”

This was not what I had in mind. I like more profound responses from God. However, I’m no longer in charge of my life, so I did what I felt led to do. I reached out and held my wife’s hand. We continued walking in silence for a few minutes. When my wife restarted the conversation, it was on a totally different topic. As we walked and talked, I felt my fear and frustration slip away. Eventually we returned to the original conversation and were able to resolve it without further conflict. It is in these small, daily interactions with others that the program works its magic to bring peace and harmony into my life. Thank God for the Twelve Steps of SA.