When I first came to SA in December 1999, I had 15 years of AA sobriety, had sponsored many men, and had spoken at meetings and conferences. I felt arrogant in SA meetings. I thought that SA members were not doing things correctly, and that I knew better than others the reasons that people were slipping. I was sure I would soon become an SA guru.

My SA sponsor had nine years of SA sobriety, but I believed I knew more than he did because of my longer AA sobriety and because I was 15 years older than he was. Yet one day short of my one-year birthday, I had a disastrous slip in a porn shop. I was devastated and knocked for a loop. Had I not done everything my sponsor asked me to do, including attending meetings, working the Steps, doing service, and sponsoring others? In fact, I had done all these things, but only for the purpose of looking good. I was complying outwardly, but in reality, I had never completely surrendered to the program. I was pushing the sobriety definition to the edges of insanity. The only thing I wasn’t doing was masturbating to orgasm.

Sadly, when I called my sponsor to tell him I had slipped, he was not surprised. He said that he and his sponsor had discussed my arrogance and pride, and neither of them had thought I would make a year. For the next six years I had varying lengths of sobriety. Only when I was finally ready to listen to what my sponsor had been saying all along was I was able to achieve sobriety and begin to experience progressive victory over lust.

My sponsor had advised me to leave my other Twelve Step program at the door and instead work the SA program. He suggested that I try to understand the words of the White Book where it says that “sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind” (SA 192). Today, I believe that “freedom from sex of any kind” includes freedom from viewing porn, entertaining sexual fantasy, stalking, and voyeurism—and not merely from the physical act of sex with self. Today, after being an SA member for 10 years, I finally have three years of SA sobriety. This progress came, however, at the cost of smashing my ego and sense of superiority.

Unfortunately, the saga of my ego continues. Recently, I got a new AA sponsor after my previous sponsor moved to another state. I asked a man I’ve known for almost 18 years (and whose recovery I deeply admire) to be my sponsor. Yet I still sometimes feel superior to him because of my longer sobriety and because I am older than he is. So I was not surprised when my pride reared its ugly head once again.

In January 2010, I agreed to speak at a meeting that fell on the day of my 25th sobriety birthday. This was also the night of my home group meeting that I had attended for 22 years. When I realized my dilemma, I shared it with my sponsor. I wanted to take a cake at my home group, but I had made a commitment to speak. He suggested I call and ask to be rescheduled; I replied that I could not break my commitment. My sponsor didn’t see it that way. He said that ego and pride were the problems, that I was afraid I wouldn’t look good if I cancelled. I disagreed.

My sponsor asked me to think this over and give him a call in a day or two. After thinking and praying, I realized he was right. Then I was flooded with shame and embarrassment that a man younger than me in age and sobriety had figured me out when I hadn’t been able to. There was my old belief system again: I have to be better than everyone else.

When I called my sponsor and shared my insight with him he thanked me for my honesty. When I shared all of this with my SA sponsor, he just grinned and said, “Progress not perfection.”

I thank God for this revelation and this experience. What I learned is summed up by a reading from one of my meditation books: “I have gone through life thinking I am better than everyone else and at the same time being afraid of everyone. I was afraid to be me … thus I pray that I may accept the guidance of my Higher Power in developing a realistic and comfortable self-image …”

I also pray that I might be able to hear the message, no matter who the messenger may be.

Over the years, my ego has often caused me to ignore my sponsors’ advice and struggle with my SA sobriety. I need to learn to surrender my ego to God, one day at a time, so that I will be better able to listen with humility to others and more clearly hear God’s voice.