After more than 50 years of addiction to lust, I discovered the SA fellowship about 18 months ago. I can’t say it’s been any easier since that first meeting to deal with my defects and all the harm they’ve caused; but after years and years of half-hearted attempts at “controlling” myself (more accurately minimizing the harm I’ve done, justifying it, or simply wallowing in self-pity), I’m convinced that SA and working the Steps will lead me to recovery from this illness.

I’ve started to work the Steps, I have a sponsor, and I’m beginning to come out of the shell I’ve built for myself. I’ve read lots, shared lots, and heard lots at meetings. What has surprised me most, however, is that I’ve suddenly learned what friendship means.

Growing up, I never really had anyone I could call a friend. That carried on into my adult life. Sure, I met and knew lots of people—at school, then at work, and in other groups (like church). But none of these people really “knew” me, warts and all. Actually, I was desperate to keep those warts hidden. After all, I thought, who in their right mind would want to be friendly with a perverted creep like me? So I always kept my distance and pushed everyone away from the “real” me—even my wife and children. Making things worse, I was so wrapped up in selfishness and self-pity that I left no room in my heart to think honestly about others; it was always, “What’s in it for me?”

SA meetings were a revelation. Here was a place where I met others who suffered from the same addiction and who had lived through the same temptations. We understand each other on a really basic level. But since we recognize each other’s suffering in ourselves, there is unquestioning acceptance and no judgment. All of sudden, I’ve discovered a group of men who are truly my friends, because:

• They know me better than anyone else (at least when I’m honest enough with them)
• Even after I’ve shared the things I’m the most ashamed of, they don’t reject me
• We even talk about non-addiction things, just like “normal” men, and I’m accepted for that too!

I can talk with my sponsor and others about the things that trouble me most, like my relationship with my wife and sons and the impact my acting out has had on them and on me. His reaction is never disgust or embarrassment; instead he listens and then gives me honest advice from his heart.

Both he and all the other men I can now count on as friends are a real help in keeping me sober, since they know the same kind of temptations I face when my sobriety is threatened. I can call them up, and just being able to share these troubles keeps my sobriety going. I can’t pretend it’s easy, and I admit I’ve slipped more than once. But I’ve found that the more I can trust and rely on my friends, the easier sobriety becomes.

What a blessing and joy! I came to SA on the advice of a therapist, hoping to find a way to control myself. Instead, I’m being led to give up all control and have found, in the process, real friendships.