My recovery story began when I was 44 years old. I had been married for 23 years, I was the father of four children, and I had a successful professional career. Yet there I was leaving a pornography store, disgusted with myself once again. I felt hopeless. Anonymous sex had become a daily occurrence for me. I knew that I would lose my wife, my children, and my profession—but I was ready to lose it all rather than fight the compulsion one more moment.

Within one hour of those feelings of utter defeat and despair, I met—by a fortunate coincidence—a man who had previously informed me about SA. I told him I was ready. He handed me the SA Brochure. When I read the brochure, I saw myself in it—but I was certain that the stipulation of “no sex with self” could not be accurate. Masturbation is normal! Yet deep within, I finally understood. This was my drug of choice. I had previously tried not having sex outside of my marriage, but the true culprit turned out to be masturbation. Everything built on top of that realization. This was a moment of clarity, and it was a miracle for me.

My disease started early. By age five I was already masturbating and being sexual with a neighborhood girl. By age 10, I began fantasizing about my Sunday school teacher and his wife. I would picture them engaged in sex together. At that same age, I attended a day camp, and I remember being mesmerized by naked men I saw in the locker room.

When I was 11, my parents decided to move to another state. There, I went to school in a neighborhood that was quite hostile to people of my religion, and I was taunted by my peers. Some older boys befriended me and offered me protection, but in return I had to be sexual with them. This lasted for about three months, and it let me to believe that male friendship must include sexual contact.

During my teenage years, I became obsessed with being as sexual as I could with the girls I dated. There was also some sexual experimentation with boys my age, especially those who befriended me. From age 14 to age 17, I had an incestuous relationship with a male relative. When I was 15, my bachelor uncle decided I should be initiated into manhood by visiting a prostitute. The experience was a dismal failure sexually for me, and a death blow to my emerging sense of self. I spent the rest of my high school years trying to prove I was sexually adequate with women. The result was sexual obsession and disrespect of all the women I dated.

In college I met my future wife. From the onset, I became sexually obsessive with her. We married when I was 21. My insistence on frequent sex alarmed her to the point that she eventually took me to her gynecologist for medical advice. He told me that I was acting like a ”sex maniac.” I thought both of them were crazy to imply I was having too frequent sex with my wife.

Masturbation in secret continued. I was able to stop masturbating for the first few weeks after our wedding, but soon after that the secret behavior started again. For the first 12 years of our marriage, there were only rare sexual behavior episodes with men, but in fantasy I was unfaithful multiple times. Then one day at a local health club, I discovered promiscuous sex with men. I took to it like a duck to water.

For the next 10 years, my sexual behavior was out of control. I had sex with hundreds of partners, buying sex from both men and women, and practicing group sex, exhibitionism, and voyeurism. I would spend money on my sex partners instead of spending it on my family. My spending led to financial problems, and I was unable to pay for college tuition for two of my four children. This created tension in my relationships with my children.

I would develop obsessions toward my acting out partners, and I would become possessive, jealous, and full of rage. I put my family and myself in dangerous situations. I brought diseases home to my wife. Time and again I would cry to my wife, ”Never again!”—only to succumb once more within hours. I would make oaths to God to stop, but soon I would be acting out again.

My addiction took me to the gates of hell, but I could not turn back. Seven months prior to attending my first SA meeting, I discovered the wonders of Twelve Step recovery by attending Alcoholics Anonymous. But after my AA meeting I would jog down to a pornography shop for anonymous sex. I stopped drinking, but I could not stop acting out.

I knew that my acting out would lead to a probable relapse in AA. And I could not do my Steps Six and Seven because I was not entirely ready to have God remove all my defects of character. I did not want to stop acting out sexually, but I knew that without progressing in my Step work, I could not stay sober from alcohol. I was between a rock and a hard place.

Then one day, after leaving a pornography shop in utter hopelessness, I met by chance the man who had previously informed me about SA, and he invited me to my first SA meeting. I was ready. It was just the two of us at that meeting, but I got the message. What has happened since that day is the miracle of sobriety, and I’ve been sexually sober since that day. Now I really wanted to stop—but stopping the use of my drug was a day-by-day drudgery. We had only one SA meeting a week in Nashville back then, and that one night was sacred to me. One day at a time, I learned about sobriety. The White Book had not been published yet, but we had that cherished SA Brochure with “The Solution” that said it all for us.

People started coming to the meetings, and then people stopped coming. Even my sponsor, the man who founded SA in our community, stopped attending. After six months of sobriety, he relapsed. As a result of his behavior, he was arrested and incarcerated for an indefinite period of time. I will never forget that day when I cried to my wife saying, “What will happen to me now that he is gone from the program?” But somehow, I was able to stay sober.

How did I stay sober back then with no White Book and only one meeting a week? One day at a time, that’s how! I would make a contract each day with God. I would promise just for that day that I would stay sexually sober. I told God that I could not guarantee tomorrow. I would then ask Him to keep me sober for the next 24 hours. I learned how to avoid triggers, even those concerning my own body. I learned to pray for people who were triggers for me. I slowly got better.

The first year, I counted 120 people who came and went. We had only two sober people at the end of that year. Thank God I was one of them! Since then, I’ve watched our fellowship grow to 43 meetings a week, with as many as 70 people attending. And our fellowship now includes many members who have over 20 years of sobriety.

But something was still missing. After 11 months of sobriety I began suspecting what it was. Lust was still there, camouflaged as sex in my marriage. I realized that I needed a period of sexual abstinence from my spouse. I fought the idea, but finally I asked my wife. She agreed. After six weeks of abstinence, I told her I was ready to resume our sexual relationship. With the anger in her eyes and voice she said, “I’m not!”

Why was this a shock to me? This was a woman I had disrespected for 24 years. When I told my sponsor that I was angry at her for not being willing to end our abstinence, he replied, “You are an addict. You cannot be the one to know when to stop your abstinence. Let God talk through your wife.” God did, almost two years later. For me, it took 21 months of total sexual abstinence for that part of my illness to subside.

My sexaholic mentality still flares up periodically. I will notice people in the street, walking together and automatically wonder if they are lovers. I will observe people looking at me, and for a moment, think they are trying to seduce me. These thoughts happen less frequently now. When they do occur, I pray, “God, whatever it is I am looking for in that person, may I find it in You” (see SA, 165). I thank God when these thoughts appear, because they remind me that I’m still sick. How dangerous it would be to think I am cured!

Over time, I’ve also had victories over some of my character defects. These include greed, envy, and control, to mention only a few. The miracle today is that they are lessening and that I am aware of them when they appear. My sponsor tells me that I’m better than I used to be, but not as well as I’m going to get. Through SA, I’ve learned new tools that help me deal with my defects. Step Ten always works when I use it. To admit my faults to myself and to another human brings me immediate relief. A burden shared is half as heavy.

Miracles have happened. I no longer have a preoccupation about my gender orientation. I came to realize that it was not an issue of being gay, straight, or bisexual. It was an issue of addiction. Once I put my drug away, those issues seemed to vanish, one day at a time. Today I like to say that my primary orientation is toward my Higher Power.

Miracles are also happening in my family. My wife and I are more comfortable with each other than we have ever been. We try not to work each other’s programs. We’ve travelled a lot together, sharing the message of our recovery with SA groups all over the world. We look forward to these times together and enjoy each other’s company. Our travels have taken us to people and their families hurting from sex addiction in countries such as Poland, Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands, Denmark, Israel, England, Ireland, Canada, and all over the United States. We recently returned from presenting SA and S-Anon workshops in Australia and New Zealand.

Who would have ever thought that God’s will for me—a low-bottom sex drunk—would be to carry the SA message throughout the world? It has taken many years for my wife and me to work through a healthier sexual relationship. In our geriatric years, we have finally found a compatible frequency and style for sexual intimacy.

My children and I get along so much better now. When they were younger, they would joke with us, saying, ”Are you going again to one of those ‘Lust Buster’ conferences?” Now my children are older and they are all married. My daughters-in-law know that I’m in SA. My children have an open invitation to ask me about my program, and I have the freedom, if asked, to tell them the simple truth. I feel the genuine love among us all.

Last but not least is the miracle of finding the God of my understanding. This God, who watched me in the pornography stores—as I practiced all those low-life sex acts—still loved me so much that He brought me to the wonderful fellowship of SA. My God is my good friend today. I can talk to Him any time or any place. I occasionally lapse back into the belief in a God of retribution Who is out to get me. When that happens, I ask God to remove the thought from me. I now know that He loves me, and nothing I can do will keep Him from loving me.

This is how I stay sober today. It’s simple. I do the same things today that I did when I first came into the program. I get on my knees each morning and evening to give my Higher Power my day. I pray for His will for me. I speak on the phone with people from the fellowship throughout the day and evening.

I do a great deal of sponsorship, and—whatever the results are for the sponsee—sponsoring others helps me. I make a two-way contract with God each day. I ask God to keep me sexually sober that day, and I tell God I will stay sexually sober that day. I make a gratitude list each day to keep me currently connected to God. I try to attend a recovery meeting at least five days a week. I read each day from SA or AA literature. Over the past few years, I’ve tried to meditate at least 20 minutes a day.

My recovery is like a three-legged stool: the Twelve Steps of our program, the God of my understanding, and the fellowship of SA (including meetings and sponsorship). The stool is sturdy and safe on its three legs. If any one leg breaks, the stool will topple. If I use all three legs simultaneously, I’m on solid ground. When I omit any one of the three, my program is unsteady.

I’ve been sober, one day at a time, for more than 31 years. One day at a time, I want to continue to stay sober. How else can I get to keep all I have found in this fellowship? I’ve found recovery in SA. I’ve found friendship. I’ve found a loving God. I have truly found my home. Each morning I make a decision to accept the gift of sobriety, and each day I receive it again. And as my sponsor would say, “It only gets better.” It has to be a miracle!