Part of me knew from very early on that I was a sexaholic. Part of me didn’t want to admit that or accept it. Part of me wanted to be rid of “the addict.” Part of me wanted to give into that and just enjoy my acting out. Wow, that’s a lot of “parts,” all doing battle within me! No wonder life had become unmanageable.

My own “pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” turned out to be the very thing I needed to shift my thinking. It was during that time when I felt completely alone, lost and hopeless. All evidence pointed towards the undeniable fact that I was a sexaholic, a fact that was not going to change. I could go on compartmentalizing myself and trying to fight the part of me that I saw as “the addict.” Or, I could finally just stop fighting, surrender to the fact that I am a sexaholic (and always will be), and completely embrace that truth. Then I can get the same help and Power that those other sexaholics had obtained. Some of them really had attained “happy and joyous freedom,” so it must be possible for me, too.

I had to surrender. I had to surrender to being a sexaholic. I had to surrender to God. I had to surrender to the Steps of the program as directed by a sponsor. I had to stop the fight and stop the struggle against a power (lust) that is so much greater than me. I had to stop the fight and stop the struggle against a Power (a loving God as I understand Him) that is so much greater than me. When I started surrendering lust and myself to God, He took care of the lust and of me.

I am way past the mid-point of my life. And it took all those years of struggling and fighting a battle I could not win so that I could finally experience the freedom that comes instead from simply surrendering. But the first Step for me included a complete acceptance that I am a sexaholic. Without that acceptance, I would have never found sobriety, recovery and freedom.