My name is Tom and I am a recovering sex addict, gratefully sober for eight years. I am constantly reminded that I still need the program, including the Steps, my sponsor and the Fellowship. Recently in a local SA meeting I reflected on an Essay article about masturbation that we read and shared. The SA sobriety definition is partly described as “… having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse … [and] also includes progressive victory over lust” (SA p. 191-192). For my progressive sobriety, the phrase “form of sex” is more than what goes on physically, it’s what happens in my mind. It is easy for me to keep sexual fantasies hidden because they happen in my mind and can become secrets.

Sexaholics Anonymous says: “We have found that more important than the mere length of sobriety is its quality and our own personal integrity… Better to acknowledge where we really are than to hide behind the badge of our sobriety date, cheat ourselves, and threaten our union with another” (SA p. 192).

Personal integrity has to do with who I really am, what I am doing when no one is looking, what I am thinking. If I am allowing sexual fantasy to live in my head, not only am I interfering with my recovery, I cannot really think of myself as a person of integrity. I believe in SA’s sobriety definition and I believe that when I pursue it in its complete and intended form, it allows me to experience growth, recovery and restoration.  

What about my relationship with my wife? How does the sobriety definition help me with that? I find two aspects for me: First, in my marriage sexuality should result in mutual pleasure and at a deeper level, in greater intimacy between us. Sex must be with my wife and not with myself. Intimacy must be mutually acceptable at the moment and does not work well if we are mad at each other. I must be okay delaying intimacy if we are not getting along. Masturbation short circuits intimacy. This is the time I must dig deeper into healing. I need to nurture our relationship and avoid doing and saying things that either hurt or offend her. These actions develop into an “upward spiral” where both of our needs are met, we both feel good about our relationship, we treat each other better, and our sexual intimacy is better and so on!

The second aspect relates to fantasy. If I am following SA’s definition of progressive sobriety, then I cannot enter into, or tolerate, fantasy in my life. This is especially true in our physical relationship. If I fantasize about someone else, I violate my progressive victory. If I want true intimacy with the woman I love, I must be rid of this fantasy element, making my connection about HER and keeping intimacy between US. 

If I can consistently practice these sobriety principles, then the result should be a better, more intimate and satisfying relationship with my wife. I am thankful for a program of recovery that can help me with this.