I feel compelled to write this letter to share my experience, strength, and hope. I write this as much for me as I do for others in the fellowship. I want to share a message. A message I have learned the hard way.

For four and one-half years I did not masturbate or have sex with another person. I had sexual sobriety through the SA program. I struggle with whether this was true sobriety because after four and one-half years, I relapsed in March. I relapsed again in May. Right now I’m having a difficult time and that is part of the reason for this letter. I’ve learned a lot from these relapses and I want to share that with others in the program. I wish I wasn’t so grandiose that I have to always learn by experience. I pray that someday I will have enough humility that I will believe and accept what others who have gone that way before are saying.

After I relapsed, I began to take certain steps that I didn’t take in the past. One was to read my SA Big Book daily during my prayer and meditation. As I began reading, I began to see things that I know I’ve heard 100 times but somehow didn’t connect with me. I always took pride on working the Steps.

When I got into the program in 1985, I helped start a group. It was me and two other people. The husband had seven years of recovery and sobriety. I owe my life to him. He taught me how to work the Steps. After a couple years in the program, he and his wife dropped out. I have no contact with them today and I miss him. He was the fellowship I connected to. You see, after I relapsed I figured out that I work all the Steps except Step Zero: “We participated in the fellowship of the program.” And that’s what I want to share. I can’t stay sober in isolation working the 12 Steps with my invisible God. I tried and it didn’t work. I eventually relapsed. Oh, I continued to go to meetings. Most of the time one meeting per week. Sometimes going three weeks without a meeting. And when I was in meetings I had a difficult time being rigorously honest.

Another thing that has jumped out at me by continuing to read the Big Book is that I can’t stay sober without an underlying attitude change. I still held on to my underlying negative attitudes and kept them secret from the group. I kept up a false image and would not let people see my anger and resentment. I share this in hopes to help others in the program to not make the same mistakes I made. Achieving sexual sobriety is difficult after relapse. It is also dangerous. My disease is continuing to progress. I can’t afford to continue to relapse.

Another part about this whole process for me…is that I’ve been single the whole time in the program and I’ve been in a steady relationship for three years. I relapsed during a time that the relationship was broken up. You see, my motives for sexual sobriety were so that I could have this “good relationship so I could have sex in marriage” and once that motive collapsed so did my sobriety. Today I struggle with relationships. I’m a sex addict, and lust takes on many disguises. It disguised itself for three years in this relationship.

Thanks for allowing me to express myself and look at the truth. Today I must be sober for me. Because I love myself enough to be sober. This is difficult but by the grace of God and the fellowship of this program I am sober today.

A couple more things I need to share. Surrender for me today is surrender to the fellowship. My surrender all along was surrender to the invisible God. But God has revealed to me that I find Him in the fellowship. So today surrender means making calls and working Step Zero.