Alcoholics Anonymous (the “Big Book”) and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions have proven to be indispensable guides in my recovery journey. When I place these two recovery manuals alongside Sexaholics Anonymous, our White Book, I find helpful connections.

My experience as a sex addict is described on every page, whether it be the hopelessness of decades as an active addict, or the joyous freedom in recovery. These books enable me to see clearly the nature of my problem.

In the SA Step One I admit that I’m powerless over lust. Compulsive masturbation and uncontrollable use of porn brought me into the program. I soon discovered that lust was the core. I then substitute “lust” for “alcohol” as I read the AA books.

Here are some other parallel things I discover:

“I am restless, irritable, and discontent unless I can again experience the sense of ease and comfort that comes at once from taking a few lust hits.” (AA xxviii)

“Lust, the rapacious creditor, bleeds me of all self-sufficiency and all will to resist its demands.” (12&12 21)

“I’m allergic to lust. The action of lust in my system results in an allergic reaction of sorts. I cannot start lusting without developing the phenomenon of craving. I can never safely lust in any form at all.” (AA xxvii, xxix)

Any lust in my system makes it virtually impossible for me to stop (AA 22, 23)

The White Book shows that lust is the sexaholic’s drug. My twisted behavior that brought me to SA is not even mentioned in our 12 Steps. My behavior is merely lust’s incarnation. And yet, I want to treat lust as Something Other.

In the Big Book I read about the drug that is “cunning, baffling, and powerful” and about the “mental twist” that leads to the first drink and then a spree. Alcohol cunningly whispers to the alcoholic “just a little won’t hurt.” What is whispering in my ear? It might be “your wife is gone, think of an entire night of porn!” More often the voice says, “just a little look won’t hurt.” “Just a glance to verify she’s dressed modestly won’t hurt.” “Just a witty comment to make the waitress smile at me warmly won’t hurt.”

That’s where my negative progression starts. I’m indeed powerless over lust and lust is a toxin to which I’m allergic. This allergic reaction to lust is eventually, and inevitably an all day, all night bender and probably a search for a new home and/or job.

If lust in any form is the first drink for the sexaholic, why do we read about a “progressive victory over lust”? Does the White Book mean to suggest that I can successfully recover by coming off lust “sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly?” An alcoholic having “only an ounce of whiskey in his milk” is working the bottle, not working the Steps. Can I, a sexaholic, successfully walk the Steps with “a little something” where my alcoholic friend cannot?

I carry my bar and bottle around with me in my head. To progress in my victory over lust I must become aware of just how effortless the first drink can be. I become aware of how easily my eyes drop for a look or how effortlessly a fantasy can spin up in my head.

But as I discover each lust-bottle, I have a decision to make. It’s a decision to refuse lust in that form. It can’t be “this time maybe I will, maybe I won’t,” because every time it’s “maybe I will.” Every time my choice is “I will, just a little,” I’m delaying my recovery and I’m swapping a serene life for a momentary, destructive comfort. Progressive victory is progressing in my understanding of the variety of disguises that Lust assumes.

A couple of years ago I read an old Essay article by Roy K. entitled “A New Look at Lust Recovery.” He relates his own progressive victory over lust. He shares how over time he discovered new manifestations of lust in his life. Each discovery was met with his scorched earth resolve.

For example, he describes how he discovered lust in his marriage bed. He needed lust in the form of fantasy to maintain arousal with his wife. Lust! Overcoming this newly discovered lust was a long slow process and benefitted from a year of abstinence.

He writes: “Once I discovered these other forms and strategies of lust progressively, once I was able to see, then I came to deeper surrender. This legitimate use of the word “progressive” is the very process of discovery we’ve been talking about in these various stages. I’ve got to keep progressing; there’s no fulfillment of the promise otherwise. The misuse of our expression “progressive victory over lust” is when we confuse it with our encounter in the moment of temptation, seeing the image in the corner of our eye, for example. In that instant, there is no such thing as progressive victory. We either drink or don’t drink. Think about it. Man, can we ever let our progressive victory wording cover a multitude of sins! (Essay, Dec. 1999, 6)

That makes total sense. If I’m an addict, if I have an allergy to a particular toxin, any exposure to that toxin is destructive. I must avoid the toxin if I’m to live. Delay is dangerous, and rebellion may be fatal.

What surer way do I have of delaying my recovery than to continue countenancing lust in my head in any form? What is this “progression” if not a half-measure leading nowhere fast?

I cannot safely lust. I use the tools of the SA program to surrender lust to God at EVERY encounter. The lust-free life is the only life worth living. The only enjoyable, sustainable life.