Since childhood, I’ve had a recurring, upsetting dream where I found myself standing before my father in fear of punishment. Feeling guilty for engaging in inappropriate behavior with other kids my age, I would just freeze and stare at my dad, unable to look into his eyes, while trying not to show fear or to cry. These feelings and thoughts which held me captive for decades, would resurface in my dreams, seemingly at the most inopportune times, such as during an impending deadline on an assignment at school or work. In 2018, as I worked the SA Steps, I found myself with a sense of hope that my Higher Power could give me a breakthrough with my unresolved “Father issues.”

I worked on this issue in Steps Four and Five with my sponsor. I resolved to not speak negatively of my father, who is now deceased, as a living amends to him. Then one day in May 2018 after my home group meeting, I was talking to my grand-sponsor about yet another upsetting dream about my dad, and about how I had hoped these recurring dreams would cease, now that I was working the 12 Steps and had made dozens of amends. In my magic magnifying mind, I felt that I deserved some of the Ninth Step promises because I had almost finished with all of my amends. I told my grand-sponsor that I had already completed my amends to my dad. My grand-sponsor asked me, “Did you forgive him?” I said, “I made amends!” I became frustrated and my grand-sponsor repeated, “Have you forgiven him?” “Take a deep breath,” he said, and then I started to cry. I realized that I had made amends, but had not yet forgiven my father. I sat in the empty meeting room in quiet reflection for about an hour.

A simple conversation—one sexaholic talking to another, had made a drastic impact. After years of carrying this burden, I felt a new freedom in my relationship with my father since that day!

What about freedom from anxiety and depression? I had struggled with anxiety and depression since my childhood years. When I came to SA, I did not think SA had anything to offer me other than sobriety. I told my sponsor that I struggled to believe I could recover because of my mental illness. He assured me that I was not so special that my case was different than other sexaholics. What I have found is that working the 12 Steps, including making 9th Step amends, helped with sobriety. And the outcome has been a reprieve from episodes of depression and almost no anxiety attacks. I feel happy, joyous, and free. The 12 Steps of SA have given me both sexual and emotional sobriety!

Higher Power, thank you for giving me a new freedom and a new happiness!