Service is a critical part of any recovery program and is one of the most poorly understood parts of Sexaholics Anonymous. For seventeen years my idea of service was flawed and hindered my ability to stay sober. I thought that service was about being of service only to addicts. I am writing in order to help those who may have a similar understanding of service.

Our program literature only discusses service to addicts. My sponsors talked about service to addicts. Shares in the rooms spoke of service to addicts. I believed God grants special grace for service to addicts. It also didn’t make sense that service could apply to people outside of the program. My entire life I served others outside the program, and it never did anything for my sobriety. I concluded service must specifically apply to doing things for the benefit of another’s sobriety.

This understanding of service contributed to poor or no personal sobriety. I didn’t benefit from the small service acts in SA. I chaired meetings, made phone calls, folded chairs, and made coffee. I couldn’t see why old-timers spoke so glowingly about service. I figured their sponsees gave them more opportunities for service. I decided I would have to get sober and get a sponsee before I would ever experience the benefits of service. Since I couldn’t stay sober, I figured I was screwed.

Hitting a bottom that forced me to work my program differently. I got in serious trouble and became more desperate than I can describe to be sober. I aggressively worked every aspect of our program. I tried to find ways to be of service to people outside SA, hoping it would help. I began doing things for people in my immediate circles such as my family. I started with voluntarily washing dishes, voluntarily cleaning the house, voluntarily giving rides to the kids, and anything else I could think of. There were no requirements for me to do this stuff, and seemingly there was nothing in it for me. I had to pull myself away from the TV to do dishes. I went shopping when I wanted to sit on the couch and relax. The AA Big Book says “Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends on our constant thought of others’ needs and how to serve them” (AA 10). I was desperate to be sober and thought this might be a solution.

Then I began to feel that service to others was making a difference and keeping me sober. It seemed to create an invisible buffer against lust. I was beginning to see why old-timers spoke so glowingly about service. I began to experience feelings of joy. I was working diligently on the other Steps, and doing service was clearly the major factor. I was sober and far from acting out. There were times when I normally would have found it impossible to not act out, and I stayed sober and was not even triggered. Voluntarily doing good for others brought me to a new place spiritually.

One night I attended an open AA meeting and fearfully posed the question “Is service supposed to be for other addicts only or does it apply to people in general?” My program was working after years of failure, and I feared they would say it was about service only to fellow sufferers. Their overwhelming response was service was service to anyone. One man gave an example of asking elderly people if he could pump their gas for them in wintertime. Another person commented about how he shovels neighbor’s cars out of the snow. SA teaches that we are to practice these principles in all our affairs. Being of service to addicts is only a beginning. Hearing this confirmed what I had hoped was true.

The key factor, I think, has to do with the reasons for performing service. Throughout my life in serving people either I did it because I had to or I did it because there was something in it for me. Rarely did I ever do service for the sole purpose of being useful to another. When I voluntarily do things for others, then I am really doing an act of charity. I am giving of my time and effort for another’s benefit. Also, I didn’t do enough service. Chairing meetings and folding chairs didn’t do much for my sobriety because it was only once or twice a week. Each day I need to do at least three small voluntary good things for others to feel the effects.

Voluntarily being of service taught me about self-centeredness. Service for the purpose of being of service is usually coupled with having to give up something I would rather do. There always seems to be a good reason to pass on opportunities to be of service. I learned that my good reasons were actually self-centered reasons. Getting rid of self-centeredness is critical to sobriety.

I want to provide some examples of service. Some things I do include: making coffee in the office to be of service to other employees; giving assistance to others at work for the purpose of being of service; voluntarily cleaning the wife’s car; cleaning wife’s and kid’s clothes; giving up sleep to listen to my wife talk about things I think are nonsense; buying snacks for program meetings; and praying only for other people’s needs to be met. This is a small list. Service is doing good for others for no other reason than to be of service, whether the person is in the program or outside.

SA groups can discuss what does or does not constitute service. Can one be of service, yet not get a spiritual benefit? How often do we need to be of service? To whom can you be of service? Explore every aspect of service. If I voluntarily clean the house for the spiritual benefit, will I continue to get this benefit if my spouse demands that I do it? If I go to a meeting to stay sober, will I get the same spiritual benefit that I would if I went to a meeting for the purpose of service? Will I get a spiritual benefit if I do my job, but do it in a spirit of service? These are all questions I ran into and had to seek answers. It is my hope that every member becomes an expert in service.