My Lake Of Recovery

Reading the August Essay confronted me with several of my shortcomings. The article “Every Moment Is A ‘Given Moment’” was especially powerful. The author related his recovery to a lake: “Recovery is like a lake that needs an inflow and an outflow.” It showed me that my lake of recovery has grown shallow and stagnant.

During this pandemic I’ve suffered a sudden and complete severance from the core of my program and from most of my fellow members. Sporadic attacks of lustful thoughts have been flaring up, especially during this last week. I’ve gradually allowed myself to drift away from the practices that have been the implements which allowed His grace and Spirit to flow through me and out into this world. I felt distant and separated, yet ignored these feelings, icing over them with work, food, games, and excuses. All the while becoming more critical and judgmental of others around me.

Fortunately I’ve received promptings to carry the message of recovery to a suffering addict who was recently placed on my path again, as well as a fellow who asked me to be his sponsor. I pray for further opportunities to be of service, guidance in the words to speak, and the daily renewal of His Spirit. Recent events that require amends have also been illuminated.

All in all, this has been a much needed period of wandering that has allowed me to see both my continuing need for a personal daily program and just how truly slippery the slope of relapse is! If I’m not vigilant, diligent, and reliant on my HP, I run the risk of straying further and further away from my HP, this program, sobriety, and all the other graces I’ve been afforded.

I’m grateful for everything in this life, the good and the seemingly bad. Grateful for food, clothes, hot and running water, toiletries, a bed with blankets and sheets and a pillow, all the tools of recovery, ample time to reflect, pray, meditate, and praise God.

More than anything, I’m grateful for the opportunity to live a new life out of the shadows, to wake up each day and live life without being consumed by shame, anger, self-loathing, the fires of a lust-fueled life, and to share my experiences so that others may know of a different way. Nothing I can do will ever repay what has been given me.