This article is about relapse prevention. However, deep down inside of me, I am uncomfortable writing about this. I feel relapse prevention applies to people who are sober. It is about how to prevent people from relapsing once they get sober. My belief is that many people do not get sober although they think they are sober. How can I make such a statement?

The First Step says we are powerless over lust. It does not mention powerless over sexually acting out. The emphasis is on lust. Why would part of the First Step be stated that way? The reason is because the illness lives between our ears. Lust, or what we might call sexual fantasies, ignites the allergic reaction that leads us, inevitably, to acting out.

Our membership requirement in Sexaholics Anonymous is very different from that of Alcoholics Anonymous. In AA, Tradition 3 states that the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. It is a single requirement. Membership by SA’s Tradition 3 is a two-fold requirement: It says, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.” Yes, many people want to stop acting out and become sexually sober because of the negative consequences. Yet, they have no desire to stop lusting. Without their realizing it, this leads to a phenomenon which sees them standing on the outside of the program, rather than actually becoming members of our fellowship.

Needless to say, this is only my opinion. I do not talk for SA as a whole. We end up seeing people chronically struggling because they think they are sober while they are still trying to control and enjoy lust. There is a saying that relapsing is not a prerequisite for recovery.

Yes, the gateway to stop lusting is to first stop acting out sexually. This is achieved by working the many tools listed in the chapter “Overcoming Lust and Temptation” (SA 157-168); and by working the Steps and through fellowship and sponsorship and relying upon God as we understand God. Once you enter that gate and have stopped acting out, for one day at a time, then the essence of the program begins. It is called progressive victory over lust.

As our SA book says: “…and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust.” The SA book also states that, “our primary purpose is to stay sexually sober and help others to achieve sexual sobriety.” How is this accomplished without a desire to stop lusting?

I believe this is a true disease. I am not like a normal person. Normal people can possibly lust without the consequences. I know I am allergic to lust. As soon as I take it in, the phenomenon of craving begins and I have to do it again and again. It is like eating a taco chip. Once the flour, the oil and the salt touch my tongue, a brain reaction occurs that causes me to crave and eat a second taco chip and a third, a fourth, etc. This is called the phenomenon of craving. This does not happen from eating broccoli or cauliflower with me, but it does happen when I eat a taco chip. So too, once I take the second thought, or the second look, the phenomenon of craving begins.

As one oldtimer said: “The first look or thought is on God. That is how God made us humans. The second look is on me.” Once that photograph in my mind turns into a motion picture, the phenomenon of craving begins. Once that craving begins we are potentially destined for sexually acting out.

To summarize how to prevent a relapse:
1. We first need to get sober.
2. We need to be sober not only in our body but in our mind.
3. We have many tools to block the first thought turning into a motion picture. Our White Book lists many helpful tools that we can use to prevent the motion picture happening. Yes, Higher Power is involved, but as the AA Big Book says, “Faith without works is dead.” If we are expecting God to keep us sober, we could be very disappointed. We need to utilize the tools that God has supplied us with in the program. We are told that God does for us what we could not do for ourselves. It does not say God will do for us what we can do for ourselves.
4. My hope, for all of us, is that one day at a time, we continue to block the first thought or look from turning into lust.

I know this program works. If it worked for a low bottom sex drunk like me for the past 39 years, I know it can work for you. God watched every low-life thing that I did in my active addiction, and loved me so much that I was led to SA. Now it is up to me to accept the gift of being brought to SA and be willing to utilize the program, one day at a time.