In the chapter on the First Step in the White Book, in the last paragraph it says: “A broken and contrite spirit—the spirit of the First Step—is the key that opens the door and sets us free.”

Why do I have to go slowly and painfully backward to hell, when I can go running joyfully to heaven? The broken and contrite spirit of the First Step is essential, because I know the physical and emotional damage that addiction brings me. I am aware of the terrible consequences that my lust can cause me and I do not want to run the risks of the past again.

I had to be very obedient, when, for example, my sponsor told me that in order to go to the beach, I had to wait until I had three years of sexual sobriety, according to the SA definition, and after having worked the Twelve Steps.

Although it cost me, I did so, and then when I went to the beach again, I didn’t go with the attitude I had when I was active in the addiction. Back then I thought I had to compulsorily consume lust and watch girls in bikinis. I went accompanying my wife to serve her, to take care of her and being careful of what I looked at. I thanked God for the wonders of creation, giving thanks for nature, for the sun, and for the beauty of the sea. A different attitude: moving from resentment to gratitude; trying to fulfill God’s will, instead of seeking to please my ailing ego.

We seek progress, not perfection, but AA literature tells us that the only Step that can be taken perfectly is the first one. So, in my case, what that same Chapter of the White Book dealing with the First Step said, came true. It is not that I took this Step, but that the First Step took hold of me. It penetrated me in such a way that one day at a time I have been able to remain sober and in this year 2023, I will complete 17 years of sexual sobriety, the SA way.

In the morning when I get up the first thing I do is to offer to God my intentions and actions for that day; then I prepare coffee for my wife. At noon I pray for a while. Throughout the day I call a program fellow. At night I answer emails and messages from my sponsees or fellows who need help. If I am in a place where there are face-to-face meetings of SA I attend at least one a week and by internet I also attend at least two meetings a week. I also attend face-to-face meetings of other Twelve-Step fellowships.

If any temptation of resentment or lust comes to me, I call a fellow to make the surrender, because every day I wake up sexaholic, and every day I must seek my salvation. Once a sexaholic, always a sexaholic. Since sexaholism is a spiritual disease, the solution is spiritual as well: an attitude of much prayer throughout the day.

The program does not promise me that I will not have any more temptations, but it has taught me that I should not get nervous when that happens. I simply have a disease and I live with it, as many other human beings do. I can choose. I know what is happening. I stay calm and I say what I learned in that extraordinary chapter of Recovery Continues, which is called “The Joy Response”: “My God, thank you for this temptation and for the victory that you will have here. May your will be done and not mine.” Truly, the feeling is one of freedom, peace and joy, not mere relief at being saved, like those who are rescued from a shipwreck.

In the AA Big Book, page 70, the following is noted: “To sum up about sex: We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge, when to yield would mean heartache.” This clearly indicates to me what I should do: pray sincerely, whenever I am tempted; and work intensely with other sexaholics.

I remember once complaining to my sponsor because I had attended an SA meeting and no one else had gone. He said, “It helped you because you came out of your isolation.” Working with other sexaholics includes making calls, surrendering, or simply to find out how folks are doing. The imperious urge that the Big Book talks about subsides, if I follow the instructions. As Dr. Silkworth, Bill W.’s doctor, used to say, relapse does not happen by chance, it is not a rare occurrence; the patient simply did not follow instructions.

The spirit of the First Step leads me to be disciplined and obedient. I want to follow instructions because I really am remorseful, I want to change. This addiction had me desperate and will have me desperate again if I back off.

It also serves me to remember that it is not knowledge that saves me, but the practice of the program. As a priest friend once told me: “Nelson, to do God’s will you don’t have to study theology, but put into practice what you know your Higher Power wants for you.”