ESSAY talked with Nancy S. from Columbus, Ohio, USA. She has been sober since December 15, 2004.

When she first encountered the Twelve Steps, she exclaimed, “What a great way to live!” Today, she has been sober in SA for almost twenty years, she’s actually living the Program like she said, and she’s an immense help to others in SA.

Connect With Me and Make Me Whole

When asked why she came to SA, she answers spontaneously, “Because I had lost my connection to Higher Power.” She tells how she spent her whole life hopelessly searching for connection with other people.

“I never felt guilty about acting out with myself. But I did feel guilty when I had a long-term affair with another woman outside my marriage. I had an incredibly difficult marriage. The problem for me was where the White Book says, “connect with me and make me whole” (SA 203), that’s the way my addiction works—I turned to others for validation, and I got farther and farther away from HP.”

Nancy goes on with her story: “Right after I got married, I joined a Bible study group without ever thinking there’d be a temptation to act out with someone. It turned out one of the women in the group was working through the women, grooming them to be open to sexual relationships with her. I didn’t realize it. She took her time . . . it was five years before I knew what she wanted. I knew something wasn’t right, but when I realized what she wanted, I couldn’t get out of it anymore. I was already dependent on her and afraid to lose her. Who will I have then that wants to know me and likes me and who wants to be around me? I came to see that I let her manipulate and abuse me.

I said no but then stayed stuck like a kid sticks to an abusive parent. Over time it just ate away at me. It destroyed my relationship with God; it was terrible. My husband didn’t discover what I was doing, I never went through that kind of shame. Most of my acting out was with self, but that’s not where I lost control. I lost my connection with God, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. That’s what brought me to SA.”

What a Great Way To Live!

“I had been hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital. I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s where I saw a Twelve-Step poster hanging on the wall. I got so excited, This is what I want! What a great way to live! A staff member asked why I was there, why I really wanted the Twelve Steps. She seemed to look right through me. I didn’t yet know I was a sexaholic, that I had a lust addiction. I knew I had other problems, maybe I was just hypersexual. The hospital had me in AA. No one asked if I drank, they just let me participate. Eventually I ended up in SA. People were going around the room, giving their bottom lines. I was stunned at how honest and open sharing was. But I knew I was safe, that I was home.

“I worked Steps One through Three. Unfortunately, in my home group there were no good examples of how to continue after Step Three. No one had significant sobriety or an understanding of sponsorship. When I was three years sober, someone in my group took me to a convention, and thank God, I learned there how others work the Program! I started going to lots of conferences because that’s where I could meet other women. I’m so grateful for that!”

Female Newcomers

“When I discovered it was about working the Steps, I made another meeting my home group. I drove two hours every week. In that group, we did a “Rapid Stepwork Weekend,” we did DSR calls, we did what most people in SA do. That’s when I learned how to work the program.”

Today Nancy is very active in Step Twelve work. She actively works with sponsees, whom she considers absolutely “indispensable” to her own recovery. She also helps female newcomers. She takes her time on calls with them, talks them through difficult phases, answers questions, and guides them to meetings.

“The Big Book says: Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them (AA 84).

“Pray! Call! Serve!—this is what I tell newcomers right away. I tell sponsees the same thing: pray, pick up the phone immediately to discuss it with someone, then resolutely turn your thoughts to someone you can help. I find my problems get easier to handle when I apply this formula, so I teach it to somebody if it’s their very first day, and I share it with folks that’ve been around for 20 years.

“I also tell sponsees that they will sponsor others sooner or later. When I came into the Program, you had to wait for years before you sponsored someone. But look at how Bill W. and Dr. Bob did it. Sponsorship is so important!”

Dating in Sobriety

One of the most frequently asked questions by newcomer women is whether they can ever date again. Nancy gives this advice:

“In AA, they say to wait a year. I’ve heard, because this is an addiction about relationships, about connection and misconnection, that it’s better to wait two years. That’s two years of sexual sobriety, not just being in the Program. Everyone’s circumstances are unique, though. To most sponsees, I say that sex is optional and she should wait until she and I feel she’s ready. I don’t usually stick a one-size-fits-all time length on it. It depends from sponsee to sponsee.”

One Day At a Time

We asked what Nancy’s favorite Program slogan is. Her answer was quick, “It has to be One Day At a Time, or ODAAT in text messages. Yes, it has to be that! Because so much of life can be overwhelming or so humongously exhilarating that if I focus on it being more than ODAAT, I can’t handle it. If I’m not in the moment, I’m not enjoying where I am. Then I get overwhelmed thinking I’m never going to get better. That’s why I want to stay in this moment, and just enjoy where I am.”

Today Nancy, like all of us, has the tools to stay consciously in the moment. She’s working and living the Twelve Steps, which are truly proving to be “a great way to live.”