An elder member in SA helped him see that he was addicted to himself.

“You’re the most arrogant [person] I have ever met!” Although a more colorful word was used instead of “person,” this statement still saved my life. 

February 2007 was a particularly dark time for me, much like most of the 34 years of my life leading up to that point. Simply put, I had spent most of my pre-program life living in deep self-loathing. I cannot count how many times I told friends and family, “I hate myself more than any other person on this planet!” I have tried to end my life on three separate occasions.

This brings me back to February 2007. At the time, I had joined SA a little over a year earlier, but did not get a sponsor nor had I given myself completely to this simple Program. After another series of failures, fights, and embarrassments at home, I decided the best gift I could give my family was to remove myself from their lives by ending my own life. 

The next morning, I went to the office of an elder SA member, where I sat on his couch and wallowed in self-hatred for an hour or two. He kept trying to snap me out of my negative attitude, and I kept waiting for him to release me so I could go to my suicide plan. Finally, he got frustrated with me and asked, “Do you believe in a God?” I said, “Yes, indeed. I also believe that He hates me, and will punish me severely for all the pain I have caused the people I love.”

Then he hit me with the powerful message: “You’re the most arrogant [person] I have ever met!” I was super confused by this and argued with him, “I’ve been telling you how much I hate myself! How can you say such a thing to me! I’m not arrogant; I’m extremely humbled!”

“No, you’re not. You’re like a tiny ant that has crawled onto the throne of God and declared yourself the king of everything! First, you have permitted yourself to judge God, telling Him that He messed up majorly when He made you! How can you know His plan for you? Then, sitting on that throne, you have appointed yourself judge, jury, and executioner on yourself. Who do you think you are to decide whether you’re worthy to live or die?” 

Personally, I believe that message was from my Higher Power to me. (I have talked to that fellow many times since, and he does not remember much of the conversation.) For the first time in my life, I realized that shame was a form of arrogance—pride in reverse. A very helpful acronym I have learned is “SHAME: Should Have Already Mastered Everything.”. This reminds me that I am beautifully imperfect according to God’s plan, and I do not need to expect perfection or mastery from myself.

“Selfishness—self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity…” (AA 62).

In my shame-filled life up to that day, I could not see the obvious truth: more than anything I am addicted to me (selfaholic). I have an overpowering need to spend all my time thinking about me. My most common forms of self-obsession are: “I am evil and deserve to die!” (shame), “I am too good to be treated this way!” (pride and resentment), and “What will happen to me?” (fear). 

Through the Steps, fellowship, and service, I have been given a new life today. For example, earlier today, I did something very hurtful to my wife, similar to my behavior in February 2007. Although I am tempted to shame myself for this, I have chosen to surrender this negative desire to my Higher Power and focus on amends and service instead. Rather than indulge in self-obsession, I ask God to turn my attention outward to Him and my fellows. Today, I chose to be an instrument in His hands rather than a tiny ant who thinks he is the king. 

God, grant me the serenity to accept my imperfections with self-love and grace, the courage to surrender my desire to shame myself, and the ability to turn my attention to be of maximum service to you and others. Grant me the wisdom to not trick myself into thinking I am somehow in control.