SA helped her see more clearly how she was holding herself back from healing fully.

I haven’t taken much time as of late to consider the role that trauma plays in my consistent relapses. I was abused sexually by my father at 13, and I had sexually abusive relationships from ages 19-22. I entered SA in July of 2021 without realizing my last relationship had ended with me being sexually assaulted. The brain is a funny organ like that. Through the fog of addiction to porn and my brain trying to protect me, the pieces didn’t fall into place until a friend showed me an article that described my ex perfectly, and that final puzzle piece of sexual abuse clicked.

When I was 14 and 15, I self-mutilated by cutting myself in an attempt to be relieved of the pain that I felt internally from abuse not yet realized, bullying, same sex porn use, and other trauma that was going on at the time. 

Today, August 8, 2025, at the age of 26 I had a eureka moment. I was self-abusing not to cover up trauma, or suicidal ideation or action, but because I didn’t want to fully heal from my past, and I wanted to hold myself back from truly living a happy, joyous, and free life. Others can write much more eloquently and longer articles than I, but I believe in getting to the root of the problem and being matter-of-fact. Maybe that’s a result of the stubborn Irish in me. 

Now, what do I do with this undeserved gift from God? I believe the first step is to take action and to discuss it fully with my sponsor, and a few trusted members in the Program whom I consider to be some of my best friends. SA is amazing like that, that I can have best friends from Europe or the UK and have never physically met them. I haven’t always taken the time to appreciate the true beauty of SA, perhaps due to personal character defects and focusing on the supposed defects of others within the Program. I truly can never be grateful enough for the gift of recovery and SA.