Step Nine showed him how to proceed without putting himself down. 

I am Tim, from Brussels. I discovered I am a sexaholic about two years ago. After a summer of destructive acting out, a painful rock bottom, and therapy, it became clear that I needed help from a 12-Step program. It was a great relief. I have been addicted to lust since my teenage years without knowing it. However, I was fascinated by images of the opposite sex and discovered the power of masturbation, but I also learned I had to hide and lie about it.

So, in silence, I loaded up my brain with images and fantasies. I had a dark side that I was very ashamed of. Gradually, I sought out places I should never have gone to, and the lust in my mind started to cross dangerous boundaries, which, more than all else, brought more shame in my life. I started seeing sex workers to get rid of the shame. That didn’t work, of course. I persisted in my madness, went too far, and got caught. Only then did I acknowledge the addiction and began to recover. I found SA, found a sponsor, and started working the steps.

I have now been working on my Ninth Step for several months. At home, I already learned that admitting mistakes and asking for forgiveness worked. In my religion, forgiveness is important. Still, there were some people I had to explicitly ask for forgiveness, especially for my last foolish summer—the risks I took, not only for myself, but for the religious movement I belonged to. In its name, I had done a lot of good, but my madness also risked tarnishing the name of the movement.

During Step Nine, I relapsed because shame crept back in. I remained stuck in a judgment about my own past, how I had fallen short of my own dreams and the expectations of people who trusted me. I was ashamed of who I was—never good enough. Today, I understand that a very important Ninth Step is towards myself. I will have to put aside the shame, stop blaming myself for failing, let go of my expectations about my past and my future, and move on, one day at a time. Recovery gives me a new way to be proud of myself, knowing that my Higher Power does love me as I am today.