Distorted reality, that’s one of my main problems when it comes to dealing with my sexual addiction and life in general. My mind is full of unreality, thus causing me to view the things going on around me in a distorted manner. I then respond in an inappropriate manner since my whole basis is out of line.

It started way back when I couldn’t deal with the pain around me. I learned to tune out everyone and everything into my own little world. I programmed myself to suppress what I was feeling, thinking it made me feel better when in reality it just pushed the feeling out of the way. Eventually all those feelings had to come out and since they were not dealt with appropriately, they came out inappropriately, through acting out. I believed escape made me feel better when in reality it made me feel worse since I could never really rid myself of the uncomfortable feelings.

I became an island and started believing the distorted lie that I could do it alone. The lie that I could handle it by myself became my reality. I desperately needed the comfort of another human being but there was no one there. I needed the feedback of another’s thoughts but instead turned to physically soothing myself with fantasy and masturbation. This set the stage for a lifetime of inner conflict and pain. Since there was only me to be both the problem and the solution, I split myself in two. I learned to express my own problems in my head and then to suppress them in my own body by using sex. Since the whole thing occurred in my own head and not through the mutual exchange of words, it became my own reality, whether or not it was truth. I had no other input to balance what I was thinking so my own negative thoughts became cut in stone in my mind.

Then there was TV. I began to believe in those perfect families on TV and compare them with my own imperfect family. The more I viewed the unreal world of TV, the more I retreated into my own fantasy world since the real world couldn’t measure up. I believed that all problems could be solved in a half hour and when mine were not, I became disillusioned and again retreated into myself to ease the pain. I usually judge all my relationships on the fantasy world of TV and on my own world inside my head. I then place unreal expectations on others, thinking that they are supposed to be a certain way, never giving them room to be themselves. Of course, then I am always disappointed since my whole foundation is not real. No real person can measure up to my unreal expectation of them. With this basis, I am destined to fail every time.

Another unreal basis for relationships that my fantasy life gave me was to think that someone else could make up for what I was lacking. Over and over I fantasized of the perfect relationship that would fix everything that was wrong with me. “Please connect with me and make me whole” was my basis for all my acting out. I didn’t feel OK so I dreamed that if someone else who was OK would accept me, then I would be OK. False assumption based on false reality. I had programmed myself to believe that sex was the way to reach out, so when I wanted to feel better, lust was what I looked for. It wasn’t acceptance I went looking for, it was a lust attraction. Those that I looked for were also motivated by lust, so they really weren’t OK. Therefore, even if they accepted me, it didn’t make me feel better since they were just using my body for their own lust cravings. Most of the time they didn’t even know my name and didn’t even care. Even if the formality of names were exchanged, it was just that, a formality, not a real desire to know me or care about me.

I was told my whole early life that I wasn’t good enough. Again, since I did not have anyone to tell me otherwise, that lie was etched in my brain. Then when I was feeling weak and inadequate, I thought that I could take that strength and adequacy from someone else rather than find it in myself. The problem was first that they really didn’t have what I was seeking since they were also in the same place as me. Second, if I couldn’t meet my own needs and feel good about my own self, no one else could do that for me. Third, my whole self-image was based on distorted reality. I believed everything negative that everyone else said about me rather than the reality of what really was. All the input I was receiving was coming from those that were not OK, so it was not real.

So here I was with a false perception of myself, looking for a relationship based on false expectations of an unreal world. Trying to find someone else to fill an emptiness inside that only God and I could fill together. SA affords me the chance to change my reality to the truth. Little by little, through interaction with the group, I can see the real truth about myself. I can get the positive feedback from others and break the isolation that I lived in for so long. I can share what I’m feeling and thinking and balance that with another’s thoughts.

SA also points me to God who, when understood, can show me that I am of great value to Him and am loved by Him. He can be my help when I am in need rather than trying to split myself in two. He can provide what is lacking in myself by showing me how to reach out to Him, to others and most of all to reach down into my soul to find what He already placed there to meet my needs.