I’m writing to you to raise some issues that have become somewhat of a passion for me—namely same-sex orientation, or behavior. I’ll start by giving you a little of my background. SA started in Melbourne, Australia in December 1992. I knew that SA had something that I wanted. For the first five months there were just three members. The fourth joined in April 1993 and then it took until October for the fifth. Since then the membership has grown slowly but steadily in numbers and sobriety. We average around nine per meeting. There are now six members with sobriety over three months, two of whom have over one year and another two who have over six months.

After a childhood of sex play with other boys I became involved at 16 with a man 20 years my senior. From the beginning of that relationship I felt that although there was some affection and connection, for what seemed the first time in my life, that same-sex behavior missed the point, that it was a mis-connection. I kept trying to find a way out whilst getting further and further entangled in dependency relationships, pornography, casual and anonymous encounters.

I started getting serious about it 11 years ago when I was 24. I got 14 months of not acting out with others. From the first time I read the then SA “White Papers” in about 1990, I knew SA was where it was at for me. Now thanks to God and SA I have the best sobriety of my life (four months).

Patrick, another of our founding members, has 18 months of sobriety after acting out for 40 years. The other sobriety that I have already mentioned gives the group so much strength (and keeps me from over-organizing). It’s the fellowship I have craved for over 20 years.

This reduction in “terminal uniqueness” finally came for me about 15 months ago when David, our first member not from a same-sex background, joined SA. His acting out within marriage was minimal but it was the lust that was killing him and threatening to destroy his marriage. I tried hard to not identify with him but every time he shared he was telling my inner story.

I am discovering that there is a whole series of attitudes, behaviors and beliefs that underlies my orientation. If I hold on to any of those then the change process is stalled. My experience is that when all I wanted to change was my sexual orientation and nothing else, then change was not possible. The isolation can be enormous—fortunately I now have a solid group of friends who either share the same journey or are understanding and supportive.

I know that most people identifying as gay would not be interested in change. This is not some political battle. People make choices about relationships, lifestyles, and sexuality based on a multitude of experiences and information. It is not a matter of saying what is right or wrong but having the options available for those interested.

I still have a way to go with my journey but my life is happier and more fulfilling than it has ever been. A heterosexual relationship is not yet an option for me—achievement of such would not in itself be a measure of success. I can see progress in the improvement of my relationships with family, friends and work colleagues. My life is becoming less stressful—I feel as if I am finally growing up.

My current four months of sobriety has been immensely rewarding (and challenging). I think I am starting to believe that it is a matter of a daily reprieve. Part of the growth has been letting go of the political dimension of the same-sex debate. Recently two same-sex guys started working in my office. Initially I was angry at God—why put this in front of me daily, can’t he bring me people in recovery instead? I knew I had to let this self-pity go. What did I discover? Judgementalism, a critical spirit, jealousy, control, vengeance and fear. As I surrender (ongoing!) these attitudes, the way I relate to these guys and others at work has changed. I can’t really believe that now I am starting to look at these two guys as blessings in my life!

SA conference tapes have been an important part of my current sobriety. I’ve averaged about 90 minutes a day of tapes for the last 12 months. However, only last week I realized that I prefer people to be on tape rather than in real life. I related better to tapes than I did to members of my group. I knew more about some of the people on the tapes than I did about some of my group members. So I made my verbal amends to them last week, but now the real amends comes in surrendering the defects that stand in the way of relating to other SA members.

On one of the most recent conference tapes I heard a member who felt that he might have to stop attending meetings because he couldn’t talk about his same-sex attraction at meetings. What has concerned me is that on recent tapes (compared with, say, the ’91 Chicago tapes) the mention of same-sex behavior seems to be covered up, or talked about in more general terms. I’ve been able to pick some of the speakers but I feel some have reduced the strength of their sharing by not mentioning their acting out behavior. I agree that SA is about identifying on the inside and working the solution, but the lack of directness can limit identification from others, especially newcomers.

Meeting the unmet gender identification needs through healthy non-sexual relationships with the same sex, resolving the barriers as they arise—this is what’s happening for me in SA today. The Eighth and Tenth Step imperatives help me identify where I am wrong in relationships, where I am repeating old patterns of behavior that separate me from people. By removing my wrong attitude and behavior, the healing can begin. I never thought I would be receiving such healing from a bunch of sex-drunks and lust junkies! I tried for years to achieve this “gender specific therapy”—in SA it was happening before I had even noticed.

So my passion is for the same-sex community. At the moment the best way I can carry the message is to stay sober and get some solid recovery under my belt. This would ensure that any same-sex person coming to SA would see that SA does offer something. As you are probably aware, politics within the same-sex debate can be very murky. Fortunately, the Traditions keep SA out of the debate as such. Maybe Melbourne SA is not the first SA to be started by those wanting out from same-sex behavior—my ego would like to think that it is. My concern is that the SA message be available to same-sex people, that our meetings and approach are not hostile (covertly or overtly) to the same-sex person. Indeed, the SA message is one that is overwhelmingly for the same-sex person.

As you can see I’m keyed up about this issue (and SA in general)! Perhaps at four months sobriety I should be concentrating on the Steps more. I’m currently in the midst of my Fourth Step—it seems to have taken a while to get into. Sobriety is helping give me the clarity to see what I perhaps would otherwise have excluded. I’ve set a time to do my Fifth Step in a couple of weeks.