One of the greatest gifts I have received from Higher Power in my nearly five years of sobriety and recovery in SA has been my new-found ability to date. I’m glad that it didn’t happen how or with whom I wanted because that never worked for me before and I’m certain it wouldn’t work now.

For years I wanted a girlfriend because I was scared to live with myself. I was afraid to be alone, and I wanted women—any women—to fill me from within so that I felt good and didn’t have to face myself. Usually, I could only do this if I felt superior to a woman. I felt inferior to most women who were physically attractive, intelligent, or sure of themselves. I met one girl who had so many problems that I felt the need to save her from them, like her knight in shining armor. Failing that, I acted out with her instead.

After coming to SA, I knew that I had to reach out and learn that I could be alone but not isolated. I made many program phone calls, and still do today. I knew too that working the Steps had to be a key; I gave away my First Step in October 1991. Eventually, I started inviting people from the program and others to my apartment on a regular basis. The feeling of being isolated began slipping away, and I learned that I could relish the time I had alone. Most importantly, I had to surrender wanting a relationship and making this desire into a Higher Power.

In 1992 I began the most sober relationship I had been involved in to date. As time went on, however, I began feeling both smothered and dependent in the relationship. I also felt like we were unable to be emotionally and mentally intimate, and a little too willing to be physically intimate as a substitute; I felt a mis-connection coming on. Breaking up with her took a number of months and was quite painful, but I had to listen to myself and again trust in God that I would not be alone.

Meanwhile, I had gotten to know another woman. We would get together once a month or so just to watch a movie, go bowling, get a bite to eat, etc. This was one of the few sober friendships I had ever had with a woman. I had been so preoccupied in my pre- and post-SA life with finding the perfect woman, whom I know to be my fantasy, and leaping into a deep, committed relationship with her.

After a year or so, she admitted that she was deeply attracted to me, and we have been dating soberly ever since. She joined the S-Anon program almost immediately, and we support each other’s recovery but work our own programs separately. We do not live together, nor do we have plans for sexual intercourse of any kind unless and until we are married. I cannot pretend that our relationship has been completely devoid of lust, but I can state that it is not founded on lust.

Dating in recovery has been God’s gift to me, and I am thankful that I am able to receive it at this stage of my recovery. To my single SA brothers and sisters, I say that the relationships we seek can happen, but only if we let it happen on Higher Power’s terms. I’m just a recovering sexaholic who, by the grace of God, has a sober relationship that works, for which I need to be constantly grateful.