As a shy and overweight teenager, I retreated into a secret world of masturbation. This covered feelings I couldn’t handle and made me feel good about myself. It was my first drug: medication through masturbation.

At 16, I dropped out of high school and ran away from home. I wanted to live a life of sex, drugs and rock-and-roll popular in the early 1970s. We called ourselves hippies. I was too shy to have sex with girls, as some of my friends did. This lack of sexual conquests reinforced my feelings of inadequacy and feelings that I didn’t measure up to other men sexually. I acted out secretly with fantasy, pornography and compulsive masturbation.

An older friend of mine ran the town’s adult movie theater and he would let me in to watch the movies, even though I was underage. Watching these movies was like pouring gasoline on the smoldering fires of my disease. I couldn’t stop watching. It was the most fascinating thing I’d ever experienced. The images were burned into my brain. To this day, I can recall the contents of some of the movies.

I fell in love with one of the girls who was sleeping around in my circle of friends. Unlike me, she had quite a bit of sexual experience. She was not satisfied with me and let me know. I felt humiliated and ashamed. I thought that my performance was in sharp contrast to the men in the porn movies I was watching. She ended up leaving me for an older and more experienced man. I was very hurt when she discussed my sexual performance with other men.

At age 18, I found prostitutes. I thought I had it made. All I had to do was hand over some cash and I’d get a good-looking girl to do anything I wanted. The problem was I could never figure out why I could be with a prostitute in the afternoon and be masturbating to pornography that evening. Obviously my appetite couldn’t be satisfied. Acting out in that way just made me want more.

After a year or two of the hippie lifestyle, I went to college to make something of myself. I met a girl who gave me sex and satisfied my sexual appetite most of the first three years of college. We lived together and much of the time were very happy, but sex was always the basis of the relationship. I started getting restless during my fourth year of college and discovered how to meet men through the writing on public restroom walls.

I was soon having regular sex with men in restrooms. This type of sex was stimulating because of the mixture of danger, fear, forbidden activity and sexual excitement. It provided a real high. But it was also very shameful afterwards. I remember one experience that left me on a smelly bathroom floor, having satisfied another man. I felt filthy. But that didn’t stop me for very long. I continued to seek new experiences in that type of acting out, expanding to movie theaters and rest areas. I was out of control and powerless to stop.

After college, I married a woman I had sex with on the first date. She was in a desperate situation as a single mom with few financial resources. I had her where I wanted her. I also dated another older woman at the same time who gave me sex whenever I wanted it. Those two situations introduced a new aspect of my disease: taking advantage of women who were vulnerable. I would date and have sex with older women, married or not, who I perceived as being desperate or more open to having sex than young, good-looking women. This worked for me because I really didn’t think much of myself and thought I’d only have a chance with women who were in a disadvantaged situation or not very good-looking. I thought that only that type of woman would put out for me.

Sexual acting out continued at a low level through my early marriage and career years. Eventually I was visiting adult bookstores again and masturbating daily. I would carry porn playing cards in my wallet just so I would always have my “drug” accessible. I would even take the risk of carrying porn magazines in my car even though my family rode in the car all the time.

At age 32, my disease progressed even further. I had the career position I had dreamed of for years, working as a technical manager for aerospace projects. Traveling alone on business trips allowed me to visit prostitutes, strip bars and adult bookstores. About the same time, I made a conscious decision to enter the world of hard core drug use. For several years, I lived in a world of prostitutes, IV drug use, and adult bookstores while trying to hold my career and family together. I was living a double life.

On the one hand, I was a husband and successful career man. On the other, I was trapped in a life of secret sleazy sexual acting out that I could not stop. The combination of coke and prostitutes led me to an in-hospital drug treatment program. I was fired from my job in public disgrace. I lost my car for not making payments and my home was entering foreclosure. I was hitting my first bottom.

The hospital treatment was based on the first three Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. We had prayer and meditation every morning. They told us to ask God for help. Not knowing much about God, I turned to the God I had heard about in church growing up — God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Unfortunately, I ran away from the program and slipped back into drugs and prostitutes. But about a month later, I was at a friend’s house, looking at job prospects, when he asked if I’d like to learn about the Bible. I said, sure. I had plenty of time and had always been curious about Jesus and the Bible. After going through the book of John with my friend, I asked God into my life and stopped using drugs and alcohol. After 20 years of using, I got away from the drugs and alcohol pretty easily, by the grace of God. I didn’t even masturbate for two months. I just didn’t feel like it.

Over the next year, I let sexual acting out back into my life. First it was masturbation, then I was back to prostitutes and acting out with men in restrooms. I quickly returned to the level of my first bottom and more. I was hitting my second bottom.

I tried everything to get free of the sexual acting out. It was really difficult to be living this new life with God and acting out at the same time. The guilt was enormous. I tried prayer, fasting and talking to leaders in my church. I was back to living that shameful double life again.

Within a week, a policeman spotted me having sex in a public park and I had a slip with cocaine and prostitutes. My life was completely out of control again, just as it had been two years before. That scared me so much that I became willing to go to any length to get free of the acting out. I even discussed castration with my pastor. He said that he thought God had other things in mind for me. He told me to find a recovery group for sex addiction.

My initial step of surrender was to seek out an SA meeting. I made a call to a man who would later be my sponsor. I will always be grateful that he was put into my life at just the right time. We talked for quite a while during that first call. That was when I first heard the slogan “progress, not perfection.” I felt like he knew me by just talking to me on the phone.

Another step of surrender was turning all of my finances over to my wife. To this day, in my sixth year of sobriety, the family checking account is in her name only. That works for me because quick access to money was always such a large part of my acting out with sex and drugs. When I walked into my first SA meeting, I felt accepted. I saw sympathy in the eyes of fellow members. I knew I was in the right place. I knew I could get help here. I identified with the others in the meeting as they “told my story.” Previously, I had assumed I was the only one that felt like I did and that nobody else had these uncontrollable thoughts and actions. The program showed me I was not alone.

The SA program gave me the keys to make my existing spiritual program work. It gave me freedom from the shame and guilt which had gotten in the way of my relationship with my Higher Power. I now walk with him on a daily basis as he strengthens me and helps me be more of the man he wants me to be. I put the program first. I was willing to do anything to get free of the acting out. I knew that if I didn’t find a solution to my problem, I’d either be dead, in jail or in an insane asylum. I worked the Steps all the way through.

I’ve learned that life is not always black and white, that there are plenty of grey areas. I’ve found that it’s not my job to fix other people or complain about the state of the world. I don’t need to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. Instead, I can relax because God is in charge and I can Let Go and Let God. I stopped trying to figure out how the program works and instead just did the next right thing one day at a time. Since my best efforts got me to the program — they didn’t work very well — I have stopped figuring I know what’s best for me and for others.

The SA program brought me out of my isolation. I can discuss anything with my sponsor and closest SA friends. There is no secret too shameful or too dark to be exposed to the light through the fellowship of the program. Isolation has been reduced and I’ve been set free from the prison house of self. I’ve been given purpose in life and have seen how my experience can help others.

I came to SA asking for deliverance from sexual acting out. I got much more. One of those things has been the healing of my marriage. My wife stuck by me through all the acting out with sex and drugs — she is the same woman I slept with on the first date 19 years ago. I am totally undeserving of such a wonderful woman in my life. We have been given a second chance to build the future God has for us together. Since entering recovery, I’ve come to see more of her good qualities. I see the pretty little girl in her, filled with joy and excitement. I feel warmth in our relationship and now see us growing old together. Sex is indeed optional, even in our marriage. I would continue to love her at a deep level, be committed, and serve her, even if we could never have sex again.

My best friends are my fellow program members. They are real friends who know my whole story and know me at a very deep spiritual level. At first, I was surprised that when I told the truth about myself, others did not reject me. In fact, it drew us closer together.

I’ve learned that if I face my fears and talk about myself with honesty and humility, the things I’m afraid of lose their power over me. I have a daily prayer and meditation time; I journal, take inventory, make amends quickly, and work with others. I’m far from being perfect. There’s lots of work left to be done. As I go down the road of recovery, God continues to point out areas where he wants to make changes. Defects are being repaired with his help and the help of the program.

(Editor’s Note: Member stories published in the Essay were submitted to Central Office in response to an appeal from the Literature Committee for a new group of member stories. The guidelines for those submissions stated that the stories would be read “blind” by the Literature Committee, and the author’s identity would not be made known.)