Just a Sexaholic

I was well on my way to being an addict by age eleven. Pre-puberty masturbation was already a regular part of my life and it wanted more and more. By age thirteen, I was experimenting with sexual activity with my younger sister. We feared being caught and punished, so we stopped.

From here the next thing that became available was experimental sexual activities with other boys in the neighborhood and school. It may have started as experimentation, but for me it quickly became very serious and compulsive. Of course I knew it was wrong, but my addict convinced me it was okay if I just did it for a while.

Then came my big dilemma. By this time I had learned from my peers what “homosexual/queer” meant. I did not believe or want to believe that I was either of those. Yet, I was doing the same behaviors that they did. My value system told me it was wrong. Therefore, I guarded my secret from everyone. The only time I acted out was when my addict was triggered. When the acting out was over, I just put it out of my mind as though it had not happened. This was the only way I could handle my behavior. I believed someday I would no longer need it and I would stop.

As my addictive behavior continued to grow I pursued therapy, counselors, and a few religious leaders. This was throughout the 70’s and 80’s when society was yielding to a more liberal. agenda of tolerance of everything as long as it did not physically hurt anyone. I found myself bombarded with constant messages that I “should just accept who I am” and come out and leave my family and pursue a gay lifestyle. And yet there was nothing about the lifestyle that appealed to me except the acting out.

At about this time I found myself participating in a Christian support group for those who struggled with same sex attraction and desired to change. This group was confusing, because those who attended identified themselves with the Gay Lifestyle. One evening, after four years of participation with this group a fellow came who was in town for a month on business. He shared that he was also attending a local SA group. I knew nothing of SA. He explained it was a group of all kinds of sex addicts who worked a 12 Step program.

I decided to wait until after he had left town to attend my first meeting. It was no problem for me to keep my secret, as that was the last thing I wanted anyone to know about me. I found myself so excited to be in a room full of all kinds of sex addicts who seemed to be accepting of each other and for the first time in my life to know what I was. I was not gay. I was just a plain old sex addict who just happened to act out with the same sex. What a relief. SA also affirmed that to recover it was going to be my job to work the program and stop my addictive behavior.

I did not do a First Step for over three years. I wanted to belong to SA enough that my form of acting out would not be the issue when I exposed it, because the guys already would know me. In addition, I have a big problem with some forms of acting out and feel responsible to my SA group to keep those feelings to myself.

I know today that none of us went out and chose to be an addict and that our form of acting out grew more out of a bad habit. I am open and affirming and tolerant to all who seek to stop their overt form of acting out and progress in a healthy recovery.

Ron W., Seattle, WA

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