I stood in disbelief. The computer screen had three emails from women at work that I was acting out with. My wife was crying, asking me, “Why?” I was in shock. I stood there physically present, but emotionally far, far away. I was numb to my feelings, to my life, and to myself.

I was discovered, found out, wrong, bad. The worst thing I could have done to my second wife was to repeat what I had done to my first. There it was in black and white. I was deep in my addiction once again. This time I had been found out and was being asked why? I had no answer, no understanding of this situation. It seemed like it was someone else, not me, who was responsible.

My life was great. My wife was loving and kind. I had no need to look for sex outside my marriage, as there was plenty inside. I could not understand what had such a strong hold on me and how powerless I was in its grip. I had no answer to give my wife or myself. I had no choice but to admit it. It was right in front of me. I had to admit to what I’d been doing.

I was asked to leave. I was dropped off at the bus station with a few dollars in my wallet and sent on my way to a friend’s house, not sure of what was happening. I was numb, operating on autopilot. I was on the brink of suicide, in total desperation, my second marriage in ruins. As I saw it, the second chance I had been given was struck down and damaged beyond repair.

I felt my life was over. Powerlessness over the addiction had once again beaten me. It had won. I had lost. I acknowledged I was powerless over my addiction by myself.

During the ensuing weeks I made the SA connection. I was Twelve-Stepped by two kind guys who told me their heart-wrenching stories, and I identified with parts of each. I knew this was where I needed to be. I went to my first meeting and was introduced to the White Book, Recovery Continues, Twelve and Twelve and the AA Daily Reflections. I was told by the man who later became my sponsor, “Bill W. was not a book salesman. These were the tools that helped him.” I took that guidance as I took so very much from his experience and generosity of spirit.

I came to believe that a Power greater than myself would help me if I asked, and if I wanted to recover.

I had a past riddled with set-ups for addiction. My single-parent mother displayed inappropriate sexual behaviors. Many of the instances were emotionally incestuous and damaging. My upbringing at school was full of psychological, physical and emotional abuse, leaving me with problems with body image, difficulties during puberty, and misinformed values. Objectification of women was seen as the way to be popular and to be considered a man.

During my teenage years, drug abuse calmed me. Pornography, isolation, suicide attempts, loneliness, and despair were my addiction rearing up to give me some relief, some good feelings. But they only deepened the pain, suffering, and isolation.

I married my first wife after making her sister pregnant. Once married, I swapped pornography openly with my new father-in-law, and this was okay. My addiction was seen as normal. I had a wife for sex and pornography to fill the gaps. Drug abuse continued in social settings and at home.

A few years later, I left England and I came to Canada to be with my father, an emotionally distant man. At the time, this felt okay since I was also emotionally distant. This seemed to be my legacy. I made a few changes in my life: stopped the drugs, changed my diet and lived a healthier physical life. I believed that my sexual addiction was under control, although I frequently used masturbation and over-exercising as ways to stay “on track.”

Five years later my father died. My life collapsed. When faced with overwhelming emotional issues, the powerlessness of my addiction reared its ugly head to a level I had never experienced before. Using what had worked in the past, I went back into my addiction to replace the feelings of pain and hurt.

My disease took hold—masturbation, numerous affairs outside my marriage, exhibitionism, voyeurism, self-prostitution, and unprotected sex. I went ever deeper into its grip, trying to ease the pain I felt inside. Nothing helped. It only made it worse. I tried more and more of the same with even worse results. I spiraled lower into the insanity of the disease.

I “came to” in a spiritual class I attended. I now see this as a divine intervention. I saw all that was wrong, and I saw it clearly. I changed almost everything in my life. I stopped all the relationships. I got a divorce. I fixed me! I remarried and I assured my new wife I would never do any of that again. Not just because of the betrayal to her, but to myself. I became my own higher power, my Ego running rampant.

Three years later, I was staring at a computer screen showing my powerlessness and inability to assume the role of God. I am powerless over lust and I always will be. I tried to do it alone and I thought I was strong enough, but I failed so very badly.

This time, I found the key, the missing piece of the puzzle—Higher Power. I now know I am unable to beat my addiction alone. It has affected so much of my life: in how I talk to people, how I use my words, my body language, the television shows that I watch, the radio I listen to, the music I buy, the magazines and the newspaper flyers I look at. I am lost without my Higher Power.

Each and every day has structure. I start each morning with prayer and end each night with prayer. I pray when faced with situations that used to baffle me, and now look to my Higher Power for guidance with my actions. To me, this is the Road of Happy Destiny.

My First Step tells me that I have grown in the program of recovery over the last two years. It tells me I had very little chance of being an adult without being an addict of some sort. I now have choices, and one is to work the program presented to me.

I know I am a sexaholic. I will never be cured. I also know my addiction has given me the opportunity to grow into a better person not only for myself, but also for my family and others that touch my life.

My life was unmanageable and out of control. I thought I had it fixed, but I learned I could not do it alone. I not only wanted to stop, I knew I had no other choice. It was all there in front of me. So much pain and suffering, and all the wreckage of my past. I had to take action to become who I truly am.

Recovery for me is meetings, sponsorship, daily reaching-out, reading, and prayers. Not just when I feel like it, but each day. I turn to God each day. I start by thanking God for the day ahead and finish my days by thanking God for the day past. I am now thankful for so much and know that what I was searching for—my Higher Power—was there all along. Thy will, not mine, be done.