When I first came to SA in June 2002, I was miserable and I was single. I didn’t want to be miserable, and I sure didn’t want to be single! My divorce had been finalized just two months before I came to SA, and I was jealous and upset that my newly ex-husband had gotten engaged before the divorce was final. He was to be married that September. It didn’t occur to me at the time that my physical, emotional, and Internet cheating had contributed to the conditions that led to my husband leaving me for someone else. All I knew was that I was miserable without him; therefore the solution was to find a new relationship to fill the void left by his leaving.

After my first two SA meetings, I went to treatment for three months and developed one unhealthy crush after another on men in treatment. I came home and developed crushes on various men in the program. My sponsor kept telling me I needed at least a year of sobriety before I could begin to consider dating. I didn’t listen. I would chat on the Internet even though my sponsor warned me that I would lose my sobriety if I continued to do so. She was right; I lost my sobriety again and again.

If chatting wasn’t going to work, then then I was going to find other ways of getting a relationship. I called a singles phone line and ended up acting out with a man from Oregon. I gave my phone number to a man at my doctor’s office, thinking this was how “normal” people begin relationships. He acted out with me once, then I never saw him again. I even used a male prostitute for companionship, as if a person who was paid to have sex would want to have a relationship with his client! I went to treatment a second time in the fall of 2003. There I developed crushes on a couple of guys, and one of the men in treatment had a crush on me. After two years of flirting and beating around the bush, this man left his wife and started dating me. I was in heaven. I finally had the relationship I was looking for. Never mind that we were acting out and his divorce was not yet final. I simply went to a different “S” program and called myself sober—though I don’t think many in that program who knew my story would have called me sober.

We acted out for the last time on July 2, 2006. Three days later, he called me to break off the relationship, saying he could not be with someone who would not take care of herself. I realized he was right. My weight was out of control. I was constantly depressed, landing in the hospital for depression three times during the seven months we were together. I would skip showers and sleep in late if I didn’t have school or work. I was unhappy with my new job, so I quit. I was a mess.

Give the man credit; his words spurred me on. I went to an intensive outpatient treatment program for a month as recommended by my therapist and began to feel better. I got gastric lap band surgery and so far I have lost 85 pounds. I started getting up earlier. I began meditating every day. I re-adopted the SA sobriety definition, and added Internet chat and reading erotica to my bottom line. After six months, I rejoined SA for good, got a new sponsor, and started working the Steps.

Along the way, I realized something. I didn’t need a relationship to be happy. Indeed, I was much happier without a relationship than I ever was with one. What I really needed was to connect with the God of my understanding—and this program—to fill the gaping hole inside of me.

On July 3, 2007, I celebrated one year of sobriety, the first time since I entered the program that I have reached this milestone. According to some in the program, I can consider dating now. The amazing thing is, I have no interest in dating. I have my God, my program, my children, and my friends. What more do I need? I am grateful for this time that, rather than pursuing the man of my dreams, I am now pursuing the life of God’s dreams.