Akron, OH International Convention: July 11-13, 2008
Although I’ve been a member of SA since January 2000, my sobriety date is January 1, 2007. At times, I’ve felt extremely frustrated with my lack of continuous SA sobriety—especially when compared with my 23 years of sobriety in AA. I have questioned what I might be doing wrong and whether there is something wrong with my spiritual connection. Sometimes I forget that God sees my progress, not my perfection, and I feel unworthy. So I am sharing my experience, strength, and hope that it may benefit others.
In July 2008, I attended the SA/S-Anon International Convention, “Welcome Home,” in Akron. It was an extremely powerful and emotional experience for me, one that led me to discover why I have struggled for eight years in SA. One session in particular (same sex) had a significant impact on me. Although I have an incredible wife of 40 years, my sexual acting out has had no boundaries. The meeting room was packed and it appeared that most of the participants wore wedding rings. As I listened, I felt deep pain, deep gratitude, and immense hope as various members shared. But I also heard a very wide and emotional range of what members defined as sexual sobriety within SA.
As a result, I re-read Sexaholics Anonymous and discovered that I had been only fooling myself in my understanding of sexual sobriety. In particular, I re-read “The Sobriety Definition” (SA 191-192): “Thus, for the married sexaholic, sexual sobriety means having no form of sex with self or with persons other than the spouse. For the unmarried sexaholic, sexual sobriety means freedom from sex of any kind. And for all of us … sexual sobriety also includes progressive victory over lust.”
In “How It Works—the Practical Reality” (SA 77), several sentences touched me in a new way: “Everything begins with sobriety. Without sobriety, there is no program of recovery. . . . To recover from a life based on wrong attitudes, self-obsession, separation, false connections, blindness and spiritual death requires a program of action that includes a fundamental change in attitude, character change, union, the true Connection, self-awareness, and spiritual life.”
As I read these pages, I saw my first loophole: none of the pages explicitly state that “sex with self” means only masturbation, let alone masturbation to climax. I now understand that sex with myself takes many other forms. Another loophole for me is the phrase “technical sobriety.” Historically, I would define my sobriety by saying that I did not masturbate or if I did, I did not masturbate to orgasm, and thus I was “technically” sober.
To enhance my understanding of various words used in our literature and meetings, I decided to search the dictionary for definitions. I found these definitions (Table 1) to be much different than my previous understanding.
Table 1. Definitions Related to Sexual Sobriety |
|
| Sex | All feelings resulting from the urge to gratify sexual impulses. [Does not include the words “orgasm,” “intercourse,” or “masturbation.”] |
| Any | In any which way or manner… degree or extent. |
| Form/Kind | A manner, technique, or way of doing something. |
| Arousal | To stir to a strong response; excite; to stimulate sexually. [Does not say “to orgasm.”] |
| Lust | Intense sexual desire. [Does not say “to orgasm.”] |
| Phone Sex | Sexually explicit conversations engaged in, on a telephone. |
| Cybersex | Any sexual activity, display, or discussion engaged in, by means of a computer. |
| Pornography | Pictures, writing, or other material whose primary purpose is to cause sexual arousal. [Does not say “to orgasm.”] |
| Stalking | To obsessively follow or observe a person persistently. |
| Voyeurism | Obtaining gratification by secretively looking at sexual objects or acts. |
| Exhibitionism | Behavior intended to attract attention to yourself by exposing your own genitals. |
These definitions, plus a new understanding of what Sexaholics Anonymous says, had a profound impact on me. I desperately needed the “fundamental change” addressed on SA page 77. After studying the definitions, I decided that, to supplement SA’s sobriety definition, I would write a stricter personal sobriety statement—for myself—to take out all the loopholes. Otherwise, I might be tempted to act out in some way and still tell myself that I am “technically” sober. My personal sobriety statement includes specific behaviors that I need to remind myself that I personally must avoid:
“For me—as a member of SA who desires the true connection, to be free from lust and sexual acting out, and to deal with all of the feelings resulting from the urge to gratify sexual impulses—I cannot indulge in any method, manner, form, or kind of activity (e.g., cybersex, deliberate viewing of pornography, phone sex, stalking, voyeurism, exhibitionism, deliberate lust, sex outside marriage) that would stir any type of response designed to excite or stimulate a sexual desire whether or not the activity includes masturbation or leads to orgasm.”
As I consider these words I can see why I have struggled for eight years in SA. I have used every form of rationalization, and if I’m honest, outright lying to myself, to rationalize that I was sexually sober when in reality I was acting out in some way via every word defined in Table 1. And I justified the activity because it did not end in orgasm. The problem is that eventually these behaviors lead to relapse.
Today I want to find my true connection with God and with myself. I want true sobriety that includes physical, mental, and most of all spiritual sobriety. I want the spiritual awakening that will bring freedom from lust. In fact, I feel a great deal of emotion, tears, and gratitude when I think about that spiritual connection—because the only thing I have ever wanted was spiritual freedom and a spiritual awakening to my true self, as well as a true connection with God and others.
With God’s help and the tools of this program, I will do everything possible to adhere to my personal sobriety statement. In doing so, I believe that I can and will find this connection and become truly happy, joyous, and free.
In His Love,
Steve C.
