In previous visits to see my family, my wife and I have established a boundary of staying in a hotel. We learned to set this boundary through experience: it gives us space, privacy, and comfort that we would not have if we stayed at a family member’s house. So naturally I assumed that on our trip to visit my wife’s family we would follow our custom and stay in a hotel. My wife informed me, however, that her aunt had offered for us to stay at her mom’s (my wife’s grandmother’s) house, and my wife did not want to offend her aunt by turning her down. I reminded my wife of the reasons we had decided in the past to stay in hotels when visiting family and said that I would rather not stay at her grandmother’s house. She said I was right, that she very much valued the space, privacy, and comfort of a hotel as well, but that she still worried about offending her aunt.

I need to insert a word here about my tendency to judge my wife. One of the easier, softer ways I tried before working the Steps was to try changing my wife. I was convinced that if only she improved on all the character defects I perceived in her, our relationship (and my life) would be so much better. We had several discussions of the kind mentioned in the chapter in SA on Step Twelve (SA 150) where I tried to help her see the error of her ways. I would explain to her calmly (though inside I was overwhelmed with fear) that she slept too much, didn’t eat enough, seemed depressed, etc. The litany of her imperfections I knew by heart, and I was determined to purge them from her. While this tendency to judge was largely alleviated by working the Steps, I still struggle with it sometimes.

So, my wife told me she was afraid of offending her aunt by choosing to stay in a hotel rather than at her grandmother’s house. As we discussed the issue one night before the trip, I felt a peace come over me that I now recognize as the fruit of true acceptance. I realized that even if we did decide to stay in a hotel, my wife would most likely not be comfortable with the decision. I saw that she was not ready to confront her need to please others. With feelings of compassion and tenderness, I said to her: “I just want to let you know that if you are not comfortable telling your aunt that we’d rather stay in a hotel, that’s okay with me. I won’t be upset.” I saw relief flood her face instantly. She contacted her aunt soon after that to tell her we would accept her offer to stay with her.

The real test of my compassion and acceptance came on the night we arrived, when we discovered we would be sleeping on a cot in the middle of the living room. Talk about a lack of privacy and comfort! However, I can report in all honesty and humility that throughout the whole experience, I don’t recall having a single grumbling or resentful thought towards my wife. I was inwardly comfortable. I mention humility because the acceptance and compassion I felt in this situation were not feelings I conjured up. They simply came to me in the moment. But I do attribute their coming to the diligent and daily application of the Steps in all my affairs. God shows up in my life to the extent that I relinquish my self-will, and I have found that practicing the principles of the Steps helps me do this. As stated in AA, “Acceptance has been the answer to all my marital problems” (418), and in fact, it “is the answer to all my problems today” (417).

In addition to receiving the gifts of acceptance and compassion, I also learned an important lesson from this experience: when I give up trying to change others and allow them to be who and where they are, they are more likely to learn from their experiences and make their own changes. On the way home from our trip, my wife and I were talking about how neither of us had slept well the night before because of the cot, and she said, “Never again. Next time, we’re getting a hotel.”