Like many others, I came to SA for what I thought were good reasons: to get something back, to find something better in my life, or to satisfy some requirement. Yet I really didn’t believe that I was a sexaholic. I knew that my sexual acting out was causing me some problems, but a sex addict? Never!

No one else cared why I came, but eventually I needed to examine my motives for being in SA if I wanted to experience the serenity and recovery I saw in others. For me, this attitude adjustment took many years.

At first, my attitude was, “I will stay sober if …”; that is, if my wife would start attending Al-Anon or S-Anon, if she would do what I asked her to do, or if she would go to counseling, etc. When she didn’t do these things, I felt there was no point to sobriety. So I acted out.

For several years, I played around with the definition of sobriety. I was committed to half-measures. I stopped my most destructive behaviors but continued to act out at some level. I believed I could experience recovery without sobriety. I attended SA meetings only to hear others share, so I would feel better about my own acting out. Thus, I was a chronic slipper.

In my insanity, I didn’t believe that I suffered any consequences from my lack of sobriety. After all, my wife didn’t leave me, and no one in the meetings seemed concerned about my behavior. It wasn’t until my sponsor threatened to fire me for my lack of true sobriety that I finally saw the light. Suddenly, I was faced with consequences that I could see. Finally, I became willing to go to any lengths.

I know other members who have been willing to go to any lengths from day one. For me, however, this willingness did not occur until I was broken by my sponsor’s confrontation. I needed to get completely honest. I needed to accept in my innermost self that I was a sexaholic. I also needed a true desire to get sober.

I was told that I could experience reprieve from the physical part of the disease if I stayed away from deliberate lusting, not just from sexual acting out. If I wanted to live happy, joyous, and free, I first had to become lust-free. I learned that progressive victory over lust is not the same as acting out less often. Progressive victory means surrendering lust in all of its many forms, not turning to them less often. And I need to do this now, not tomorrow, not next week.

Today, I desire sobriety because sobriety enhances every area of my life (and not just to avoid consequences). In order to grow up emotionally, I need to accept life on life’s terms and face and accept reality. I must figure out how to stay sober. I have to say, “Today is the day that I stop acting out; the day I stop lusting; the day I decide to live.”

But how could I do that? I realized I had already done it 100 times before. There had been an occasional day, hour, or afternoon when I stayed away from lust and sexual acting out. I just needed to learn to stay away from that deliberate lust hit on a regular basis. And how could I do that? I needed to God’s power. As stated in AA Chapter Five (and adapted in SA), “. . . probably no human power could have relieved our sexaholism . . . [but] God could and would if He were sought” (SA 207).

Today, I know that sobriety must be an end to itself. When I’m sober, I can experience life on life’s terms. The program promises me more than mere sobriety—once I’m sober I can experience recovery in every aspect of my life: physical, emotional, and spiritual. This is how I can become happy, joyous, and free.

I know that others can experience that same happiness, joy, and freedom that I have experienced. To those who are still struggling: all are welcome here. Stay until you experience the miracle.