After Step One in our book Sexaholic Anonymous on page 87 it says: “This is why ‘telling all’ is not taking the First Step. Such confession can be anything from boastful replay to anguished dumping or intellectual analysis. And even then, it’s not really ‘all’ and often is only surface material. In truth, we don’t ‘take’ the First Step; it takes us. It overtakes us. And if it hasn’t yet, hopefully it will. The sickness and punishment sexaholism produces inside us keep pounding us until we’re ready to give up, let go, and know we are powerless over lust.”

The first time I made an effort to work Step One was back in 1989. I had a look at some material about how to do it, asked a few questions, and then proceeded to try to do it my way by writing out a “Step One Inventory.” I polished it up, and with quite a few months of sobriety already, I shared what I had written in our local meeting. Looking back I remember the pride with which I shared that inventory, basking in the attention of the group, receiving the “good job” congratulations after the meeting ended.

But regardless of how well I had followed the formula to prepare and share, I see I simply “told all” instead of being taken by the First Step. And it should come as no surprise that I had many more years of relapses and acting out ahead of me before I would finally have a true Step One experience. As with everything else in this program, it’s an inside job. Step One happens in the heart.

When I returned to SA over six years ago, I was a very different man. I had been beaten. I had been humiliated, but was not yet humble. I had already been to the point of despair. I had several months of tenuous sobriety when I finally became just humble enough to ask for someone to sponsor me. I knew that my ongoing sobriety and true recovery depended on working the Steps the way they had worked for other SA members who were sober and in recovery. I knew I needed help, and I needed to stop relying on myself, because I was powerless over lust and my life had become unmanageable. I knew I had to take direction and do what I was told to do, whether I understood it or not.

So six years ago when I started with my sponsor, in all honesty it didn’t really matter what he suggested I do to work Step One. My Step One experience was already done. Rather than me doing anything, it had happened to me. The admission was already complete. I had been taken.