The life I had been living was definitely insane, and my Step One inventory made that very clear. My way had failed, and I had to find a new solution outside my own thinking and willpower. Stories of recovery, and hearing recovery speakers share the depths of their addiction and how their lives were restored, gave me some small hope.

I thought I had always had a strong concept of God, a Power greater than myself. My problem was that believing in God seemed to never help me stay out of my addictive behavior. I often prayed for God to remove my desire for addictive behavior. I pleaded and begged Him to make me well, but it never worked for very long. What was missing?

After reading and discussing Alcoholics Anonymous Chapter Four (“We Agnostics”), my sponsor asked me to describe who I believed my Higher Power was. Well, I believed in a Creator of the universe who had providence over all that happened. There was a feeling that God had a plan for me and that ultimately He had my best interests in mind. He was guiding the events of my life, and I had clearly known much good and love in my life. My sponsor made me see that most of this was knowledge that filled my head and was not necessarily felt within my heart.

He asked me to look at how I experienced God emotionally. I came to see that when I was in distress, unease or pain I did not feel God’s presence or love at all. There was just me there, left to deal with negative feelings on my own, using any way I could to find relief. Escape became my god, my go-to whenever I was emotionally overwhelmed, which was often. My true belief was that God wasn’t there for me when I needed help; so, I had to take care of myself.

My sponsor asked me how we create a relationship with a power greater than ourselves? I drew from SA Step into Action book (“One Method of Working Step Two,” 37-41). Our experiences with “powerful people” in our lives create the blueprint for who and what our Higher Power will be to us, experientially.

So I looked at the powerful people in my life and looked for what I had taken from my relationship with them and transplanted into my relationship with a Higher Power. My mother was distant, and I felt emotionally alone and neglected a lot of the time, especially when facing difficulties in school. I came to believe that God didn’t really care about my feelings and that when I was in distress, God was distant.

My father had high expectations of me, and I felt that it was the same way with God. I could never live up to what God wanted me to be. Because my father called me “stupid,” I believed I wasn’t ever good enough. Conditions were attached to my father giving me praise or affection, such as, getting good grades. So, too, with God. I would never be good enough, and I needed to be worthy of His love. If I messed up or failed at living up to what He wanted from me, then I felt distance and pain.

There are positive things that I learned as well from the powerful people in my life. For example, those who showed me love and interest while growing up helped me feel that God also ultimately loved me and was interested in me. Because my parents ultimately took care of my basic needs, I felt that God ultimately would take care of my basic needs.

As a child, I had no control over the experiences I had with people more powerful than me. Today, as an adult, I have the ability to choose what I believe about a Higher Power who can give me what I need to recover from lust and escape addiction. I choose to believe, one day at time, that God is never distant from me and that He is always available for support. I choose to believe that God’s love for me is unconditional; that no matter what I do, His love will still be readily bestowed upon me. I choose to believe that I am always okay in God’s eyes, and that His will for me was the most good and joy that I could experience in life. Everything that happened in life I came to believe was God caring for me and guiding me towards a better state of being, which stemmed from pure love.

I replaced the erroneous ideas in my relationship with God. It did not necessarily come naturally to me at first. I utilized prayer and affirmations to sustain and strengthen my new beliefs. For example, I would pray: “God, help me to feel that You are always close to me, no matter what.” These really helped in the very beginning because I found that these were part of the actions I needed to take to experience Step Two. My Higher Power can (and does) restore me to sanity each day.

When I experience difficulties and pain, God is not punishing me; but, keeping me humble, connected to Him, and away from self-will which would lead me away from the good He intends for me. God educates me through life experiences to become a better, stronger person, more and more capable of giving and benefitting others, and revealing His message of hope, love and healing.