To the women I objectified and used, How can I make an amends to you? I don’t know you. I can’t track you down; it would be wrong for me to even try. So I am writing this letter, and I will put the rest into God’s hands.
My addiction caused me to lose my business, my reputation, and my home. While addiction devastated me, it was inevitable that my family would suffer. Toward the bitter end, everything had gone so far down that I doubted I could ever make things right again.
SA is not a fellowship of only celibate people! Even though I know many married members (as well as single members) who are celibate, our sobriety definition allows sex within marriage. In fact, many married members of our fellowship actually have sex in marriage and stay sober!
About two years ago, not long after finishing the Steps with my sponsor and having the spiritual awakening promised in Step Twelve, I decided I could manage my own life. I became complacent, making fewer phone calls, going to fewer meetings, becoming less active as a sponsor, and reaching out less to my own sponsor.
I recently celebrated ten years of sexual sobriety in SA, so naturally I have been thinking about how I came to achieve this and what steps I took on the way. I then started to think about sobriety itself. What is sexual sobriety?
My sponsor here in Wales suggested that I write an article for ESSAY as an indirect amends for some blatant dishonesty from my past. Simply put, during my teenage years, I made up stories about having a girlfriend in order to impress schoolmates, and with the hope of attracting some female attention.
I came into SA two years ago, when I was released from prison after serving four years for indecent exposure. I had been out on parole for a year and had been sober for seven months when I was questioned by a detective for a crime I committed 10 years before.
The Twelve and Twelve says that “... only through utter defeat are we able to take our first steps toward liberation and strength” (21). This is the story of how I came to be utterly defeated, and how that defeat led to liberation for me.
By the time I had sense enough to feel ashamed of my acting out, the allure of lust had its hooks in my mind and heart. As a young child, I became lost in my own private hell: trying to navigate right from wrong, discovering family secrets and keeping my own, and experiencing a growing desire for pleasure.
I am happy to report that the CFC now has approximately $8,000 in named reserve, mostly as a result of the Pennsylvania prison news (see December 2010 ESSAY). This is more than enough money to cover starter kits for all Pennsylvania prisons, so we would like to send White Books to prison libraries throughout the country.
