Step Nine: Made Direct Amends Wherever Possible
When I’m in my disease I cannot love anyone or anything. Making Ninth Step amends has helped me reach out to God, and God in return has enabled me to feel love for those I have harmed.
Step One: I am Powerless Over Lust
As a child I had no exposure to healthy intimacy or communication. My parents had seven marriages between them, and seven children, two of whom I never met. My father left when I was three; my mother remarried when I was in my 20s.
Surrendering Lust
I’m a newcomer to SA. I attended my first meeting on June 20, 2007, in Yonkers, Pennsylvania. The fellowship has been an enlightening experience so far, and I look forward to more growth and understanding.
The Sexaholic is an Example of Self-Will Run Riot
Where does self-absorption begin? It just is. This is how I remember it: If a woman asked me for help, I would think, “If I help her, I may get a great smile from her, which I would interpret as her expressing approval of me.” I need approval.
Cancer of the Soul
Cancer. I hear the word and cringe. I’ve known people who have suffered the wrath of this relentless disease. Some have survived using prayers, surgeries, radiation, and chemo. Some survived one bout to suffer a miserable relapse (or even two or three relapses) years later.
Father Figure
I just wrote the following statement in my journal, and it caused me to burst into tears: “A male friend called me on Monday and asked me how my job search was going.”
A Painful Lesson
Recently, I had a painful experience that knocked me down mentally (I did manage to keep my physical sobriety thanks to the support of God and SA) and showed me once again how cunning, baffling, and powerful this disease is.
Making the Real Connection
Recently, I took my four-year-old daughter fishing. We arrived at the secret fishing hole and set off to find an unoccupied spot. As we followed the wooded path near the calm water, I noticed a man lying in the underbrush.
One Big Meeting
As I anticipated attending the 2007 Convention, I felt both excitement and fear. Excitement because the idea of meeting lots of new friends in recovery (including people I do service work with) sounded like great fun! But fear at the prospect of traveling to Maryland to meet these people, especially the men.
Working on “The Lust”
The 2007 International Convention in Maryland was the first large SA gathering I had attended. I didn’t know what to expect or whether I would feel comfortable being around more than 500 people who are as sick as I am. But I was greatly encouraged by the honesty and sincerity of the people I heard sharing their stories in the breakout sessions.
