WE ARE NOT A GLUM LOT

The wife of an emotionally unsober sexaholic wants to please her man, so she gets up one morning and makes him two scrambled eggs. He sits down for breakfast, and is angry and upset. She asks him what is wrong, and he says “I wanted poached.” 

The next day, she gets up again, and makes him two poached eggs, and once again, he is upset. She asks what is wrong, and he says “I wanted scrambled.” So she thinks and thinks, and figures out her plan … 

The third day, she gets up and makes him two eggs—one scrambled, and one poached! She sits back, quite proud of herself, waiting for her spouse to sit down. He comes to the table, and once again is angry and upset. She says, “Aghast, how can you possibly complain now—I made you one scrambled, and one poached …” He simply looks at her with disdain, and says “You scrambled the wrong egg!”

A scientist interrupts an SA meeting. “I’ve just invented a cure for sexaholism! Take one of these pills and you’ll never be a sexaholic again!”

An SA asks, “What happens if you take two?”

Two SA’s are talking about what is going to happen to them after they die. One believes in heaven, the other isn’t so sure so they agree a pact. The first one to die will come back as a ghost on the anniversary of their death and appear in front of the surviving one to prove whether or not there is an afterlife.

A few years pass and the first SA dies sober.

A year later the surviving SA is sitting in a meeting and he feels a coldness in the air, looks around and sat next to him is the ghost of his old pal. He’s holding a harp, wearing a gold halo and has a couple of white feathered wings on his back.

The ghost turns to his pal and says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is there is a heaven. Bill and Bob, and Roy and Jesse, and many others are up there and they have SA meetings every week, you’ll love it. The bad news is you’re sharing next Tuesday.”

Jim is told by his sponsor that he needs to participate more in service work. So he applies for the position of treasurer. They hold a group conscience and ask him “What is nine multiplied by four?” He thinks quickly and says “Thirty-three.” After the interview, he realizes his mistake. 

He’s surprised when they inform he got the job, despite there being four other candidates.

“But I got the wrong answer,” he protests. “Yeah, we know. But you were closest.”

An old recovering sexaholic is visiting his doctor. Although sober for 10 years now, after a life as an active saxholic with drinking and drugging, it’s taken a toll on his health.

–  “Tell it to me straight, doc. I survived prostitutes, viagra, booze and cocaine, I can take it.”

– “Your pancreas and kidneys are shot. Worse, you’ve got cancer. And the tests show early onset Alzheimer’s.”

– “Geez, doc… Alzheimer’s — that’s the one that affects your memory, right?”

– “I’m afraid so.”

– Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

– What makes recovering sexaholics good bankers?

– They have a lot of experience with withdrawals.

Someone at a fashion show notices that a man doesn’t take second looks of the very beautiful women. She turns to him and asks him why he, unlike all the other men in the room, isn’t staring at them. He says “I can’t, I’m allergic. I break out in handcuffs.”

I heard the following story recently at a meeting and wanted to share it with the Essay readers.

A sexaholic is cruising the pavement, looking at triggers everywhere, and falls into a hole. He tries and tries to get out but can’t. He starts shouting. “Help me! Help me!” 

A priest and rabbi come walking down the road. They hear his shouts, look down the hole and are filled with compassion. “My, my. This is a terrible situation. How did you come to fall into that hole, young man?” When the man tells them how he fell into the hole, they tell him that his situation is sad and that they will pray for him, very hard. They give him their blessing and pass on their way. 

The man continues to shout. “Help me! Help me!”

Another man comes along and looks into the hole. He is a psychologist. “Oh my,” he says and asks the man how he fell down the hole. “I suggest to you” the psychologist says, “that you did not fall down the hole so much as that you are hiding down there – from feelings. Tell me about your childhood.” After one hour, the psychologist walks away, saying he will be back next week. 

Eventually this other guy comes along, sees the man in the hole and jumps in. 

“What have you done?” the first guy says, amazed. “Now we’re both stuck and can’t get out”. “Don’t worry,” the second guy says. “I know this place. I’m a sexaholic too and I know the way out.”

Francis P., Manchester, UK

Fiery Sermon

A newer member of SA decided he didn’t need to go to any more meetings. After a few weeks, his sponsor decided to visit him. It was a chill evening and the sponsor found the sponsee at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. 

Guessing the reason for his sponsor’s visit, the sponsee welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the fireplace and waited.

His sponsor made himself comfortable, but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the play of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the sponsor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent.

The sponsee watched all this in quiet fascination. As the one lone ember’s flame diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. So, it was cold and “dead as a doornail.” Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. 

Just before the sponsor was ready to leave, he picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the sponsor reached the door to leave, the sponsee said, “Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I’ll see you at the meeting in the morning.”

“
Lord, in the past several hours I have not hurt anyone. I have not acted out. I have peacefully coexisted with life. For that I am grateful. But I’m about to get out of bed now and I’m really going to need your help.”

Good morning everyone and on behalf of our Captain, H.P, I would like to welcome you on board SA Flight 12-Step going to 2023. We will be departing shortly so please ensure that your Blessings are secured and your Attitude in the upright position. All ego-based navigation devices should be switched off at this time. Please ensure that any resentments, judging, condemning and other negative items are safely secured in the overhead lockers. Items can become dislodged during turbulence and fall, causing serious injury. Our sponsors will pass down the aisles before take-off to double-check the safe stowage of baggage.
Should we experience a sudden loss of cabin pressure, please pull the Prayer-line directly over your head. Prayer-lines will activate by Faith; only when your Connection is secure should you attempt to assist other passengers. Our travel time today is 24 hours. Captain H.P. indicates that we can expect some turbulence en route, but assures you that, by your reliance on Him and with your full compliance with the terms and conditions of the flight, we will arrive at Happiness, Joy and Freedom after a lay-over at Serenity, Healing and Maturity, before finally arriving at Happy Destiny.

Enjoy the Journey.

I hate meetings.
I hate your Higher Power.
I hate anyone who has a Program.
To all who come in contact with me, I offer you suffering and death.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am the disease of addiction: sex, drugs, alcohol, food, control, work, and any compulsive activity.
I am cunning, baffling and powerful. That’s me!
I’ve killed millions and enjoyed doing it.
I love to catch you by surprise.
I love pretending I’m your friend and lover.
I’ve given you comfort. Wasn’t I there when you were lonely? When you couldn’t sleep or were restless, didn’t you call on me?
I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I love it when I make you so numb you can’t hurt or cry. You feel nothing at all.
I give you instant gratification. All I ask in return is long-term suffering.
I’ve always been there for you. When things were going right, you invited me back. You said you didn’t deserve to be happy. I agreed with you. Together we were able to destroy your life.
People don’t take me seriously. They take strokes seriously. They take heart attacks seriously. Even diabetes they take seriously. Yet, without my help, these things wouldn’t be possible.
I’m such a hated disease, yet I don’t come uninvited. You choose to have me. Many have chosen me instead of love and peace.
I hate all of you who have a 12-Step Program. Your Program, your meetings and your Higher Power weaken me. I can’t function in the manner I’m accustomed to.
I am your disease.
For now, I must lie here quietly.
You don’t see me, but I’m growing more powerful every day.
When you settle for mere existence, I thrive.
When you feel fully alive, I weaken.
But I’m always here waiting for you.
Until we meet again, I wish you continued suffering and death.

I am your Disease!

From the SA International Conference January 2013

An atheist is walking through the woods, admiring the wonders of nature when suddenly there comes a roar from the thicket beside him and out lunges an 8-foot grizzly bear. The atheist screams and runs for the nearest tree but stumbles and falls. The bear is quickly upon him and raises his paw high to strike him when he yells out, “God please help me!”
Time stops. The bear freezes statue-like, his paw high in the air while a voice booms from above. 
“You deny My existence all of your life and now, at the moment of death, you call upon Me for help?”
The atheist can’t believe this is happening, and he says, 
“God? Is that you? Are you real?”
The voice from above says, 
“Are you willing to place your life and your trust in my hands and follow me?” 
The atheist stalls. 
“Like becoming a Christian or something? Oh God. How about if you make the bear a Christian?”
The pause lingers.
Then the voice from above says, “As you wish” and life returns immediately. 
The bear looks serenely at the atheist and lowers himself gently beside him. While the atheist looks on in terrified awe, the bear kneels, joins his paws together and with his eyes to heaven he says, “God, bless this food that I am about to eat, that it may sustain me through the winter.”

A man finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor.
It’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.
His doctor gives him a choice of available brains: there’s rocket scientist brains for $15 an ounce; regular scientist brains for $10 an ounce, and sexaholic brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.
The man asks, “How come the sexaholic brains are so expensive?”
The doctor replies, “Because they’ve never been used.”

“
Lord, in the past several hours I have not hurt anyone. I have not acted out. I have peacefully coexisted with life. For that I am grateful. But I’m about to get out of bed now and I’m really going to need your help.”

Two oldtimers and a newcomer were stranded on an island. After several months, one of them found a lantern on the beach, polished it clean, and out popped a genie.
“In return for my freedom, I will grant each of you one wish”, announced the genie. 

The first old timer said, “I have a loving wife at home, my relationships with my children have been healed, and I have four beautiful grandchildren. I surely do miss them. I wish I were back home again.”
*Poof* His wish was granted.
The second old timer said, “I miss my family too. And before we were stranded, I had a wonderful career and a beautiful home. I wish to go home too”.
*Poof* His wish was granted. 

The newcomer said, “My wife left me, my children hate me, I lost my house and job. I have nothing to go back home to. The only friends I had in the whole world were my two buddies here on the island, and now they’re gone. I sure do wish they were back here with me right now.”

Want to hear God laugh? Tell Him your plans!

Just go straight to hell and make a U-turn.

#1

“Before I work on myself, does anyone like me insane?”

#2

“Oh, so you’re a people pleaser? Name three people who are pleased with you right now?”

#3

“A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia.  He met up with an Australian farmer who prouldly showed off his wheat field.

“That’s nothing” said the Texan.  “Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this.”

Next, the Australian pointed out his cattle.

“They’re nothing,” said the Texan.  “Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows.”

Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road.

“What are those?” asked the Texan.

The Australian replied, “Don’t you have grasshoppers in Texas?”