A favorite author of mine (not in a 12-step program) says that love is “a flow of energy willingly allowed and exchanged, without requiring payment in return.” The 12-step recovery process has been an integral part of my experience with this flow of love. As I walk the road of restoration, the channels are open for me to receive the love that my higher power has for me.
The reason why lust and sexual acting out are so attractive to me is because they are so very powerful at what they do in me. Initially, they were my “solutions” to other problems. Eventually I became addicted to them, and they failed to be solutions and became their own problems. But I didn’t have an alternative “solution” that would not enslave me just as lust and sexual acting out had done.
The ancient Japanese art of Kintsugi incorporates mixing of gold or silver dust with lacquer to join broken pieces of pottery or ceramics together. Not only is there no attempt to hide the damage, but the respair is literally illuminated and the repaired object becomes more valuable than the original.
I am forever grateful to God for sound mind, body, and spirit.
I find the first two words of the Serenity Prayer crucial for me to focus on and never forget: “God grant.” It is another example of how God does for me what I cannot do for myself. I am powerless; He has all power. It’s also one of the early steps in learning some much needed humility, recognizing that this isn’t all about me, nor is my progress of my own doing.
One of the greatest gifts in recovery for me has been the realized hope for freedom. I say “greatest,” because I didn’t believe it was possible for me to have freedom from the obsessions and compulsions of my addiction. As an addict I am powerless over lust, so what hope could I have? As I sat in meetings in the earlier years, most of us were still showing up week after week to report on our latest acting out episodes.
Does SA really work? The clear answer from my own life is yes. I know it works, because it has worked for me.
What if, when I feel tired and weak, depleted and nervous, God is gently reminding me to rely on Him? What if I see the end of me as the start of God’s grace and power? What if His strength is all I need? What if my anxiety is a gift, because it reminds me that this life comes in moments, not days or years.
There are probably as many ways of practicing humility as there are people in the SA Fellowship, but a few are common to all of us. First, we admit we need help daily. Second, we ask for help. Third, we accept the help we receive. The only condition is that I can’t ask someone to do for me what I can do myself at the time of asking.
What if, just for today, I surrender my fear, my sense of being overwhelmed? What if, just for today, I surrender my ecstasy of successes or accomplishments? What if, just for today, I turn over to my Higher Power the trials and triumphs of the day? What if those surrenders let me focus on the one next right thing I need to do?
