Over the years I have become more aware of how many people in our fellowship have limited the term “sex with self” to mean masturbation to orgasm. I believe this is a problem. I could never consider limiting the definition to merely meaning masturbation to orgasm.
Following are portions of an e-mail sent to SA-Net by Dorene S., chair of the delegate assembly, regarding SA sobriety and the Tenth Tradition issues:
Following are portions of two reports sent to SA-Net by Dorene S., chair of the delegate assembly, regarding the Cleveland “Statement of Principle” vote:
In Cleveland on 9 July 1999, the Delegate Assembly and the Board of Trustees unanimously approved a clarification of SA’s sobriety definition. The approved statement of principle is as follows:
Today the world is adrift on a sea of rapidly shifting mores. Change is accelerating at an unprecedented rate. The last eighty years have surpassed the rate of change of the last eight thousand, and the last thirty have probably surpassed it all. Every aspect of our lives and sexual thinking is affected. Thousands of voices clamor for attention, preaching new “freedoms” of every kind. Was it not but a few years ago that “shacking up”—what the courts called “cohabitation”—was thought to be abnormal? Today it is called a “meaningful relationship” or having a “significant other.” And witness the new movement to legalize incest.
As the Essay goes to press, groups around the country are voting for the second time in the history of Sexaholics Anonymous on matters concerning the Fellowship’s sobriety definition and the interpretation of the words “marriage” and “spouse.”
My addiction had reared its ugly head in many ways over a long period of time. Before sobriety I could look back on over 40 years of living the addict’s secret. The only bottom line I would dare claim is what I did not do in acting out. Moments of honesty about my addiction make me ask why I did not do what was left undone. Fear of being seen created a pseudo bottom line.
I have been a member of SA for over eight years now, but will be celebrating my first anniversary of sobriety in about three weeks. During my first seven years in the program, I didn’t want the painful consequences of my lust, but I didn’t want to stop altogether either. It has taken me seven years in the fellowship to finally reach my “bottom” and to “go to any lengths” to achieve and maintain sexual sobriety.
Personally I feel that as a sexaholic, any sobriety other than SA’s would give me easy ways out. I just lost a friend because I did not want to have sex with him. Although I miss him, I have absolutely no regrets about having made no compromise with my sobriety. I feel clean.
1. Evidence from individual recovery. Enough time has elapsed now for us to begin to see some history. Take an actual case history: A man comes into SA in the early Eighties and immediately is “hot SA.” Becomes a mover and shaker in his SA area. After a while, he decides to start some serious research in “committed relationships,” and in his eloquence and fervor (and sexaholic need) actually starts putting doubts in the minds of other members about SA sobriety.
